1-Ply is Wearing Me Thin


Greetings and salutations to the creator and supporters of 1-ply,


Listen. I don’t know why you thought it would be a good idea to even make this a thing, but it’s about time someone called you out on this. I’m not sure entirely sure why Queen’s uses one-ply, but I’ll get to that later. Due to my intense rage regarding this subject, I am now going to proceed to rant for a quarter page on how 1-ply is complete BS. So, if you want to read through this, I mean go for it. Maybe this can fuel a fire in your innards just as 1-ply did in my bowels. (Although it did nothing to cleanse that fire on the way out…)

Now I’ve always considered myself a lover of nature. So naturally, I’ve have relieved myself in all manner of places: toilets, porta-potties, the Anne Frank house (I delivered my first upper decker, which I thought would be a good homage), trains, planes, automobiles, behind Goodes (no really don’t go behind the dumpster), and even the great outdoors. Mother Nature gives a lot of opportunity for one-of-a-kind, legendary dumps. I have taken a famed aqua-dump, (very freeing and a 10/10 would recommend.) I’ve shit in woods, and off cliffs. Now there is no greater feeling than squatting above a crevice, cheeks pointed to the moon, the chilled August breeze tickling your sphincter and releasing an unholy turd-foetus into the air before watching it fall to the rocks below and explode like my hopes of passing midterms.. After dropping the brown equivalent of ‘Fat Man’ on the unsuspecting rocks below, I turned to my trusty roll of TP. Now as much as I love l’eau de nature, it is at this point in my bathroom ritual that I desire some of the finer elements of pooping. I usually like a nice two or three ply to caress me and give comfort not even the best cuffing partner could parallel.

But alas, what happens if you go to wipe and all you have is 1-ply? YOU GET SHIT ALL OVER YOUR HAND THAT’S WHAT. UGH LIKE AMIRIGHT. It’s literally like wiping your ass with air. Like there is no benefit to one-ply. You could say you might get more TP for cheaper, but that’s BS because all you’re getting is a roll of disappointment, and if it’s one thing I don’t need more of in my life, it’s disappointment. (Paraphrasing from my dad before he left to the hardware store 9 years ago.) Either you have to pull the roll for a minute to collect enough one-ply wrapped around your hand to wipe your ass without turning your hand a shade of brown (which ends up using more TP by mass than if you just used 2-ply), or you try to be environmentally-friendly and only take a few sheets, but then you inevitably end up giving yourself an accidental prostate exam and that can hurt if you haven’t cut your nails recently.

Okay, so let me run you through my wiping technique and show just where 1-ply falls short so you can see my pain.

1. Commence the shit by locking the door and giving the bathroom a nice scrub-down.
2. Sit on the toilet seat.
3. Wait, no, stand up. Pull your pants and underpants down first.
4. Now sit down again.
5. Open your mini fridge (as you obviously have one next to your shitter. If you don’t, get out of the stone age Methuselah.)
6. Take out a diet coke (REGULAR COKE WILL NOT DO. And don’t get me started on Pepsi.) and take a sip.
7. Proceed to shove the can up your ass a little bit to start the internal flow.
8. Once the flow starts, buckle up buckaroos: grab the sides of the toilet seat and get ready for the g-force inducing levels of propulsion that will come from your anal cavity.
9. After the shitstorm has subsided, providing both the toilet and you are still intact, get ready to start wiping.
10. Grab the roll of 1-ply, and pull until you have a nice glob in your hand.
11. Get the toilet paper wet with your spit, keep going until it’s dripping a little bit. This should take about 5 minutes.
12. Shove the wad of sopping TP in your crack. Clench and un-clench repeatedly for 5 minutes, (this will give you both great ass definition and a clean bootay.) (These are workout tips even Cosmo can’t give you.)
13. Remove it and give it a big sniff (Just for shits and giggs). Then deposit it into the toilet and flush and hope to god it doesn’t flood.

Seriously though, Queen’s. What the ever-loving fuck. Get your metaphorical AND physical shit together. Us university students deal with enough shit everyday, we don’t want to deal with our own actual shit too. Invest in some good toilet paper please. It doesn’t make that much a of a difference to you, but it makes an ass-load of difference to us.