11 Substitutes for Lube


As a result of the recent downturn of the oil and gas industry, personal lubricant companies have also taken a significant hit. Thus, we must prepare ourselves for the dawning of a new era, one where we use our ‘engineering judgement’ to innovate new methods of making things work down there. Here’s a few alternatives to that corporate KY jelly bullshit.

1. Spit

2. Your dad’s spit

Lol maybe when he comes back from Home Depot. He left about 14 years ago.

3. Peanut Butter

Ah, the old classic, tried and true. We all knew that one chick in high school that had that rumour spread about her and her dog or something… Anyways, it basically works the same way as that. Except we’re not condoning including your dog for this one. *PROTIP* If you heat it up in the microwave beforehand, this whole thing goes down way smoother. Use crunchy if you’re looking for a ribbing sensation.

4. The extra container of sauce that you never used for your four-piece.

A sweet and sour twist to a romantic afternoon in Vic Hall.

5. Extra-Virgin Olive Oil

It’s a fucking metaphor man. You do the math.

6. WD-40.

It might break down industrial grunge and grime, but it can’t melt that dick.

7. Bleach

Especially time-efficient substance for anal purposes. I mean, you were going to bleach your asshole anyways.

8. Mountain Dew

Rumour has it, it has spermicidal properties…

9. Honey

A wise adage says: “you can catch flies with honey but you catch more honeys being fly”.

10. Smegma (look it up)

Conveniently placed and packaged. Step 1: Don’t be circumcised. Step 2: Refrain from washing yourself for 2-3 weeks. Step 3: Unwrap. Step 4: Indulge.

11. Tears collected during your solo masturbation session

It’s called working towards a goal ladies and gentlemen.