Open your eyeholes. Every minute that passes, the AMS is out there, plotting away as we sit, mindlessly learning. I’m about to toss up a salad of knowledge with some thousand-truth’s dressing: The AMS is a lie. It’s a collective hallucination, a shadow organization hiding the real syndicate that controls Queens. Life isn’t black and white honey, it’s a rainbow– I’ve seen the light and it’s burns, but it burns so good. You don’t believe me, no you don’t want to. It’s all too much. The AMS: it was your friend, your confidant, your on and off lover. Now you don’t know what it is. Well that’s where I come in. The writing’s on the wall baby. I’m about to lay down some hard cold facts, 12 little nuggets of truth to nibble on, proving that the AMS is as real as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or John Goodman:
1) Everytime I ask someone what the AMS does, I wake up 9 hours later in a bush behind Botterell without my shoes or ID and my fingerprints burnt off.
2) If you rearrange the letters (and change a bunch) in Alma Mater Society, it spells out “Soylent Green is People.”
3) I’ve written at least one strongly worded email about Etherington and I only got one response saying “‘Just fucking do something’ is not a reasonable request.” Clearly something is amiss.
4) A closer look at the fibres in the AMS lanyards shows they’re made from hemlock, spider webs and incense.
5) Have you ever actually met an AMS executive?! Didn’t think so.
6) Their health and dental plan covers “hexes, kidnapping and brimstone.”
7) The elections are decided before they even start (that’s unrelated to the whole freemason thing).
8) There’s a $0.07 student fee listed as “The New World Order Fund”.
9) On their website, it says “Regular AMS Assembly meetings are held Tuesdays at 3:00 AM in City Park, bring your own hooded gowns.”
10) If you want to start a club, you’re required to give your social insurance number and a lock of hair (doesn’t even specify from whom (damn, look at that usage of whom (damn, it’s like parenthe-ception))).
11) Remember when Kevin said he thought the AMS was a bit too bureaucratic? Where’s Kevin now, huh?
12) If you play an audio recording of the AMS constitution in reverse, you get “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin, which played in reverse gets you satanic messages.