21 Average


Recently, rapper 21 Savage has reached popularity for his mediocre rap style, ability to not give a single care about anything, and his current world record attempt for longest time spent with eyes not fully open, closing in on Ben Carson’s current title. Due to this fame and the nature of society nowadays, people have now started impersonating him. There is already a rapper going by the name of 22 Savage. He imitates 21’s style, love of kitchen utensils (issa knife), and rap style and “flow.” He has also challenged 21 to a boxing match and agrees to change his name if 21 can knock him out. However, 22 was just the first imitator, and has started a movement of 21 Savage impersonators.

I present, 21 Average.

21 Average is just your average white guy who is not just an imitator: he is making a case to out-do 21 Savage as the primary user of the number 21. Similar to the hockey cards he collected when he was 7, here are his stats:

5’10 and a half (but he tells people shorter than him he’s 6 feet.)

186 lbs of pure testosterone, belly fat, and fury

493 Facebook friends (don’t worry he’s going to a Bible retreat this coming weekend so that’ll jump to 500.)

$24,000 of student debt from his Liberal Arts degree.

Everyone is his “buddy” but he has a small circle of 5 close friends.

Has had sex with like 3 people.

Spends like 17 hours a week on fantasy football, hockey and baseball because he’s a “man’s man.”

Has spent the last year and a half working on his credit score and has brought it up to 710.

Drives a Chrysler Sebring.

Would have voted for Bernie.

Owns a full set of matching cutlery (issa lot of knives.)

Can type 60 words per minute and 80 when he gets in the zone.

Doesn’t understand what “manspreading” is.

Owns a golden lab called Bucky

Favourite movie is Coach Carter

Prefers Coke to Pepsi, but drink of choice is Miller Lite when he doesn’t have to drive home.

Still thinks Dane Cook is really funny and doesn’t know why he isn’t as popular as he was.

Dane Cook actually inspired him to do stand-up. He performs at the Chuckle Hut every other Thursday and usually gets like four laughs per show.

Listens to Nickelback and Barenaked Ladies mainly, but his friend showed him Drake and Kanye and now he likes rap too. But is quietly is a massive Michael Bublé fan but doesn’t tell anyone.

Took a road trip to B.C. when he was 19 during his gap year to “find himself in the mountains,” and claims he discovered something profound up there but doesn’t talk about it.

Owns four pairs of flannel but wears them all buttoned up to his weekly Neighbourhood Watch meeting.

Speaks “un poco” Spanish at his all-inclusive in Cancun.

Updates his Facebook status at least weekly with kids lives and shared Huffington Post videos of why Donald Trump will destroy America.

After a long day at his cubicle, he manages to fall asleep in 6 and a half minutes (the average is seven so he’s kinda a big deal).