By Daniel Woolf, Principal and Vice Chancellor, Queen’s University.
Oh my, has there been a bit of a nip in the air of late. Snowy streets, bundled up students, and a return to bustling activity on campus can only mean one thing: the Winter 2015 semester is upon us. Now, as many of you recall, the last open letter I wrote at the beginning of the Fall 2014 semester got quite a bit out of hand and off topic, a blunder that for now I will only credit to Mr. Jack Daniels. I promise that this time around I will write in a more professional manner.
Over the past few months, my office has received many emails from concerned students and faculty. While I try my best to answer most of them, sometimes I am just too busy. So, since I have a bit of free time here, I’d like to take this time to answer a few of your emails in a segment I like to call “Crying Woolf”.
Dear Principal Woolf,
Long time reader, first time writer. I am currently a Grade 12 student applying to Queen’s. When I took the campus tour, I realized that two new residences were under construction. My tour guide that my Dad described as “hungover as fuck” mentioned that they were supposed to be opened this year, but got delayed. Do you know if they will be open in time for my semester to start in the Fall?
Well Jacob, the plain answer is we just don’t know right now. Construction is such a tricky business and very hard to grasp from an academic perspective – it involves so much more use of the hands and less essay writing or equation solving which makes it hard to communicate with the crews without an interpreter. Hopefully one day we will be able to crack the code that divides our two peoples. To fill the first year residence spaces, we basically take a page out of the Football playbook and throw a hail mary pass down the field, hoping for a miracle. But don’t worry, Jake (can I call you Jake? I feel like we’re friends). If you are accepted to Queen’s, we will certainly have a bed for you…it just might be on the steps of a church or under the 401 overpass. I wish you the best of luck with your application.
As a proud DEVS major, I am very concerned about Queen’s apparent devotion to Coca Cola, allowing them to promote and sell their products on campus even though they have proven to be an unethical and exploitative company – especially in the third world. How can you defend this policy?
Well first off let me say that I am delighted that you are passionate about this cause, Alison. It clearly means a lot to you. But let me also say that that aggressive tone will not help you at all. You do realize who I am, don’t you? I’m the goddamn principal of this university. You are a nothing, pond-scum on this vast ocean that is my empire. Most people would just be content to go about their lives, not caring about what stupid little drinks they put into their stupid little bodies. Do you hear that? Clink. Clink. Clink. That’s another two dollars in the machine. Clink. Clink . Clink. Do you feel the machine crushing you? Clink. Clink. Clink. I will crush you like the insignificant bug you are. I encourage you to think twice before speaking up again. Have a nice semester.
Dear Principal Woolf,
Is it true that Queen’s is developing a thermonuclear device? And if so, how do you plan to use it?
Yes, we’ve been public about this for years, Barack. How are you just finding about this now? What do you think we use the PEC for? I’ll send you our media kit from 2011. As for the latter part of your inquiry, we are willing to reserve it for only necessary and well-meditated measures – provided you give us our second campus property we requested of you, Hawaii. I hope we can work something out soon. All the best.
Well that was fun. Thank you to everyone that has emailed in and I remind you to continue to send me any concerns, questions, or bribes you have to my address email@example.com. And don’t forget about our little deal Barack. The clock is ticking.
Have a safe and happy semester