3rd Year student sneaks into res, keeps door open in attempt to make first friend


This past Friday, local 2nd year Con-Ed student Dennis O’Neil silently made his way into room 204 of Vic A, leaving the door open in hopes of making one friend at university.
Dennis, commonly described as “who?” had made many attempts in 1st year to attract a single human being in a mutual relationship. Hoping they would notice his great jokes and clean living space, three months passed without a single social interaction. In a last ditch effort to have one person learn his name by the end of the year, Dennis put up relevant pop-culture posters and left empty beer cans around his room to attract local partying-going first years. As the last few days of first year rolled by, Dennis still had not made eye contact with another person.
“Devon? Oh, Dennis? Um…” said Patrick Levitt, his first year roommate.
Now having gone through most of 2nd year without hearing the word “hello” directed at him, Dennis waited outside Vic Hall for three hours until someone would leave the door open for him, after which he found an empty room to inhabit, leaving the door open for the friends to start coming.
This year, Dennis has gone completely unnoticed in a house of six individuals, living in the basement for food and shelter. During the stay, Dennis can often be found eating, studying and contemplating his own existence in the living room. The residents have assumed he is just another housemate’s weird friend.
Hours after this venture, Dennis was offhandedly noticed leaving Vic, searching the campus for somebody, anybody…