It’s Week 6.
Your body is slowly turning into a gelatinous mass of hot cheetos and curly fries.
The mung that coats the mountain of dirty dishes in your room has become too pungent to ignore.
You can’t hook up at Fluid anymore because it’s been replaced by that religious cult – Trinity Social.
Your sex life has become more pathetic than your GPA.
Buckle up kids, as an experienced self-lover, I’m about to walk you through my five favourite DIY Fleshlights.
1) Your housemate’s hamster. Warm on the inside, and fuzzy on the outside, what more can you ask for? And besides, that domesticated rodent probably hasn’t gotten action since PetCo. If you’re not fortunate enough to have a housemate with a hamster, Kingston squirrels are an exotic alternative.
2) Your baby brother’s Hulk Hands©. These bad boys were practically engineered to embrace your little crotch monster. The plastic material might lead to some uncomfortable abrasion but it’s nothing some spit can’t fix. Not to mention the visual of you cranking your hog with a pair of Hulk Hands© on is incredibly erotic.
3) Your mom’s slipper and a tub of probiotic yogurt (my flavour of choice is strawberry). Simply pour the yogurt into the slipper, make sure absolutely no one is home, and go to town kiddo.
4) Pizza Pockets. You’ll want to brush up on those Heat and Mass Transfer lectures before giving this one a go. No one likes third-degree burns on their clam hammer. And unlike all those dead bodies, these pizza pockets will be hot on the inside.
5) Fill your gym socks with A5-35 and ground beef. It’s a timeless classic for a reason. A5-35 for that wonderful tingling sensation and ground beef for that life-like feel. There will be some people who will tell you that it “burns” or is “unsanitary” but they’re just cowards who don’t give their womb broom the attention it deserve