5 ways to prepare bread so that you seem like you have your shit together


To whom it may concern, which I imagine is many of you stuck out there in the barren wastelands of the student ghetto, I understand your pain and I have come offering solace. I understand the despair you feel because the odorous, solo-cup littered Kingston streets are not fertile enough to bear fruit and perhaps would be if only any of us knew how to farm. I understand your frustration with the inconsiderateness of the Kingston locals in their refusal to cook for us students on a daily basis when they have the knowledge, skills and the resources to do so. However, alas, despite all of the injustice we remain hungry. And it pains me to tell you all that this article will not relieve you of your hunger nor will it help you make it seem like you can cook in the slightest. What this article does offer is the chance for you to at least seem like your not in shambles. Like you didn’t groan to your mom the night before that your getting sick of only eating Kraft dinner or mini wheats for every meal and are getting so desperate for something new that your considering mixing the two. So here’s 5 ways to prepare bread:


  1. Boil it in a pot with hot water, maybe sprinkle some pepper on it to make it seem like your boiling something other than bread.
  2. Bake it in an oven for as much time as you like, but not as long as it would take for your house to burn down.
  3. Put it on a piece of tin foil on your roof on a hot day and cook it with a magnifying glass.
  4. Put it under a piece of paper towel and put it in your microwave so that you can eat radioactive bread and hopefully get bread powers.
  5. A couple of slices of turkey, and maybe some mustard, or mayo or something, throw another slice on top. Some potato chips on the side and maybe a coffee or a coke and just like that you’ve got all the processed meat and white flour to finally get those abs in order.


Ernest Hemingrrhoids