With St. Patrick’s day just around the corner, people everywhere are preparing themselves for a day of raunchy celebrations. Thankfully, you still have a week to learn how to be cool at parties before St. Paddy’s, so be sure to try out these sick tips while you have the chance!
1. Talk about the Isreali-Palestinian conflict
You can’t go wrong with this one! Show off your vast wealth of knowledge by telling everyone about how much you love to be political! Bonus points if you can bring up the Protocols of the Elders of Zion!
2. Take off your shirt
Guy or girl, it doesn’t matter. If you want to be cool you HAVE to try this one. There is no better way to get wild than to take off your shirt, spin it around, and throw it at an innocent bystander.
3. Talk about how drunk you are
This one is really important. Your job is not finished until every single person in the building has heard you say “I am so drunk right now”. Make sure to keep telling each person how drunk you are until you get some form of acknowledgement, such as a nod, a thumbs-up, or a “leave me alone”.
4. Call the cops
Share the fun with everyone! This one is a no-brainer. There isn’t a person in existence who wouldn’t kill for a chance to party with “that guy who has lots of cop friends”. Be sure not to tell anyone the cops are coming, so that you can give them a pleasant surprise!
5. Light some fireworks
If you want to be cool, you can’t ignore this one. Light ‘em up right in the middle of the room! People love it when you put on a show. Try juggling your fireworks after you light the fuses! If you procrastinated and couldn’t get any fireworks in time, starting a bonfire in the living room is a solid back-up plan.
6. Talk up your genitalia in the third person
Never underestimate the power of word of mouth. Hype up your genitalia for people, so that when they formally meet you they already have really high expectations that you totally won’t crush. If you name was, for example, Sam, you could say to a stranger “Wow, that Sam guy is really rad! Have you met him? He seems like he has a totally normal-length penis!”. Then you could later run into them again, and introduce yourself by saying “Yes, I am THE Sam, and my penis is perfectly normal in length just like everyone says”. People tend to gravitate to the partiers with the best genitalia.