77% of Queen’s Students Can Totally Stop Drinking Whenever They Want

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A recent study conducted by the AMS concluded that an overwhelming majority of Queen’s students can stop drinking whenever they want. This was followed by 13% who stated they drink “maybe once a weekend, two tops” and 10% who yelled “Holy fucking shit you’re not my dad”, and ripped up the survey and stumbled out of the room. 100% of students responded “yes” to actually being drunk while taking the survey.
The overwhelmingly positive results are being accepted by many. The director of Alcohol Services, Graeme Hacker, was quite content about the results of the survey. “Yeah I mean like, we’re pretty good with the alcohols here at Queen’s. I’m all about fostering a positive community, free of the burdens of the booze,” he said after wiping drool from his mouth and taking a swig from his flask. He also contemplated texting his ex-girlfriend and dancing to “Shake it Off” stating that it was “his jam”.
The surprisingly good news of Queen’s potential sobriety has even reached the higher management of the University. When approached about the news, Daniel Woolf, who had been in a meeting with the chancellor, ripped off his suit, unveiling a muscle shirt that said “Suns out Guns out”, got on one knee, finished his 40 of fireball, and jumped out the window yelling “turn down for what.”
The AMS is looking to celebrate the school’s alcoholic temperance with a massive school wide kegger. The first annual “Almost Sober” school wide kegger, featuring 100 kegs and 400 sixties will be thrown all across campus. “We’re just so proud of the alcohol education endeavours that have taken place on Queen’s campus,” stated Smith. “So proud, that we want to reward the students by getting hammered with 10,000 of your closest friends to promote a healthy lifestyle.”
Despite the incredible triumph of pending sobriety, there is still room for improvement. The AMS is looking to increase this figure. By 2020, they want 100 percent of people to be able to make the next beer their last.

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