8 Dead and 7 Injured In Brawl For Last Spot At Stauffer

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Several radical students have already gotten into the exam season spirit, after an epic melee on the fourth floor of Stauffer, between twenty-three students for the last spot in the library. In this battle of the over-privileged and predominantly white titans, eight students have died, and seven are in critical condition.

 

“It was approximately 8:23 PM, as I locked with with roughly forty students simultaneously, took out that broken beer bottle, and viciously attacked like, three other people that were gunning for that seat,” stated student Noam Mavins, “No one fucks with my cramming.”

 

The casualties range in nature, from being suffocated to death with Health 101 lecture slides, to being rendered unconscious by getting knocked over the back of the head by a CHEE 209 statistics book.

 

“This is the worst case of academic brutality since the great St.Lawrence College fight of 1431,” stated police officer Logan De Sousa. “Never would I think that people would go as far as to hurt one another so they can do something they dread.”

 

Several students find this totally understandable. “I totally see where this violence comes from. If I don’t instagram myself in Stauffer with a Starbucks coffee and Macbook with the caption #studygrind, then I might as well not study,” claimed student Matthea Rochester (DEVS ‘17). “I may go as far as to choke someone with my Macbook charger to make sure I can instagram that shit.”

 

Zachary Trudeau also sympathized with the quarrel. “I mean like, there is Douglas and Bracken Library, but there’s no point in studying if I’m not in Stauffer complaining to my friends about how ‘super duper stressed I am”.

There is no word on whether any initiatives are being taken to ensure this doesn’t happen again. One suggestion is to notify people that there are other places to study other than fucking Stauffer. Others recommend actually fucking studying for once in your goddamn life instead of taking buzzfeed quizzes. Officials will keep Golden Words updated as this event unfolds.

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