80% of Queen’s Students Have Given Up on Their Academic Goals

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Despite numerous exclamations all throughout the year, new polling has discovered that by today, the third day of class, four fifths of Queen’s students have completely reneged on their promise to turn their academic life around. All of the myriad goals the assembled student body had carefully pondered to successfully deliver the GPA that they had tearfully sworn to their parents, were completely forgotten in the haze of post-frosh week hangovers. Alarms were slept through, “boring classes” were quickly dropped from schedules, and by Tuesday over seventy percent of our beloved student populace had slept through their morning classes. In a poll conducted online by the Queen’s Faculty of Polling, 60% of students admitted to immediately losing all the syllabi they had been given, and 40% had already uttered the phrase “Ds get Degrees” multiple times in the week. The in-class survey did not have enough responses to be statistically significant.
“I swore two months ago, that this would be my semester. I was gonna bring up my GPA and fix my grades in time for grad school” said Neil McNeil, a third year history student, “but now it’s the first day and well…” he then shrugged as he hit a massive bong. The rest of the interview became a meandering discussion of Mr. McNeil’s hand and how weird his hand was. In fairness to Mr. McNeil, after fifteen or so spliffs that morning, your Golden Words Correspondent had to agree that Neil’s hand was in fact weird, and hands in general were in fact the weirdest things. Needless to say neither of us attended class for the rest of the day but seriously like how weird are hands?
Even as frosh are mentally preparing to fail their first quiz of their university careers, and upper years are mournfully deleting the hypothetical First Class Honours from the Academic Achievements section of their resume, there is still hope amongst some students. “Yeah, you know what I may have hit a few road bumps on the first day of class by not buying any binders or notebooks and forgetting my class schedule,” admitted future dropout Samantha Dutchtyluctyavitchywitchy, Sci’ 17, “but I know I can pull out of this tailspin, after all it’s only Syllabus Week, I’ll go to class tomorrow.” She was never seen both in class or sober ever again. Similarly Robert Briar, Arts ‘18, said he felt confident he could bounce back from the eventual zero in his participation mark for his literal basket weaving course, BASK 101, while his professor, Dr. Rifik already had his name earmarked as a “worthless, no good, slacker” and had set up an automatic reply of “I’m sorry, but you cannot have an extension” to any e-mail sent from his account.
At press time, a Dr. Rifik was last seen wistfully gazing around an empty three hundred person lecture hall at nine o’clock, regretting every decision that led him to work in academia.

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