A Breakup Letter to Smirnoff


Dear Smirnoff Ice, 
Ice, we have been dating for a while now. We have had many great times together. But not all our times are good, there have been a lot of bad nights, worse mornings. Lots of trips to the porcelain throne. I’m not so sure that you’re good for me anymore.  With my feelings for you so clouded and confused, I decided to bring in an expert, The Internet.  A quick google search lead me to the ‘Top 10 Signs You’re In an Abusive Relationship’ and well the results are not good. 

1. Declaring love for you on your first date
I remember the first time we met. It was grade 12 prom night. We were meeting at Becka’s house to have a few drinks before hand. Now I didn’t drink much back then and was pretty shy and not having a great time and at prom I am supposed to be happy, right? Suddenly you were there. Your aluminum skin just gleaming with  sweat. You should get that checked out. Brian was my date, he was alright, was just such a monstrous dweeb. He not only had read the Lord of the Rings but could recite Elvish poetry with a perfect accent. It’s an imaginary language! But he introduced us and you really brightened my day, you made me smile, laugh, and made me feel so confident. I remember that night you whispered those four words in my ear: “you just got iced”. When we had to leave, I felt like Cinderella leaving the ball; I even tripped down the stairs as we left. Looking back at that moment, I realise had I played my cards right I could be settled down with a man who can serenade me in English and Elvish. 
Do you know what,  on second thought, that actually wasn’t the worst call I ever made.

2. Cutting you off from friends and family
The more time I spent with you the less time I spent with my family and friends. It started slowly at first and I didn’t even seem to notice. Stumbling home at three in the morning still going “WOOOH” and “FUCK BRIAN”. It started out as a few times a month, and then every Friday, Saturday, then it was more often than not. Staying in bed until the afternoon, seeing people for a few hours a day and then back to you. I can’t believe I never noticed it until now. 

3. They must know where you are and what you’re doing at all times
I have to be holding you at all times when we’re out at a party, stating it’s my own fault if I let you go and then someone else picks you up, and then the next thing I know her lips are all over you.  It’s taken me a lot of work to get to this point but you know what it is not my fault – it’s yours, and mostly theirs.

4. Embarrassing you
I am going to save my ink and just say yes. You do it over and over again. Remember that time at Denny’s… That was more emberassing then getting invited to an Elvish poetry slam by Brian, showing up and being the only woman in a thousand block radius because the collective nerdiness sends out a hormone that actively repels vaginas
5. Inflicting pain                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Big checkmark. Every morning I wake up, hurting, feeling sick every time I think of you. Sometimes I feel paralyzed, unable to stand the thought of doing anything, simply lying in my bed/couch/floor/a neighbour’s lawn and feeling sorry for myself. Just when I start feeling better about myself you’re just there standing in a row. 

6. It’s all your fault
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have found myself making a long distance call to North Korea on the Big White Phone [Editorial Note: That’s a clever euphemism for vomiting], you lying there empty next to me while I heave my insides out. You tell me that this is all my fault. Yes you were the one who is made of alcohol but you didn’t make me drink the first one, or the one after that, or do the two story funnel. It it doesn’t seem to matter how bad I feel, or how much I cry, or throw up, you just stare blankly, saying it’s all my fault. Well it’s not….all my fault some of it is your fault too. 

7. Sweet forgiveness
Just when I think there is no way I could stand the taste of you, I pass the coolers aisle in the LCBO. Cool and inviting, chilled glass, feeling right in my hand and that sweet sugary deliciousness that promises great things to come. I hear a quiet voice in my head say “just drink in moderation like a reasonable adult” and I persuade myself that it’s a good idea to go for Ice again. As much as those are the moments I love, you have been doing me no favors and I need a change.

8. Temper tantrums 
Double check.  I never know what to feel when I’m with you. One minute we’re playing fun games on someone’s yard and the next you explode at the passing police car or scream ‘Bitch’ at that random girl at Stages who took our spot on the stage. Going from ‘I love everyone here’ to ‘You’re all fucking phonies, where are my real friends?’ to throwing quarters at bouncers when they’re not looking. All it takes is for someone to lock eyes with me at the bar, and it’s all ‘ What the fuck are you looking at’, jealousy is not attractive and neither is your anger issues. 

9. Must have control of your finances
You literally take all my money. Even when I try to save it by buying in bulk. It always seems to disappear. Like $53.95 is pricey for a 24. I have student debts jeez. Not to mention when I occasionally wrap my lips around someone else, and yes there have been others. Don’t you dare get up on your high horse. I have seen you with other girls, you were never subtle. I mean have is there anyone white girl alive that hasn’t been with you? Brian even had you once. Don’t lie. There are Facebook pictures.

 10.They repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests. 
If I had a dollar for every time I have had another bottle after saying ‘this is the last one’, I would have enough to buy an entire keg of better booze. every morning i say never again, and then that night you have convinced me to chug you on one knee like some kind of asshole. Well I am done making the same mistakes. I am leaving you. and just like T-Swizzle said we are never ever ever getting back together.  

PS. I have met someone better, Bacardi Breezer  who understands me like you never did.