A Foray Into Seemingly Precocious But Actually Bullshit Journalism; OR The Proportional Relation Between The Verbosity Of An Article Header And The Asininity Of Its Author;


OR Opaque Prose: A Façade Of Ineptitude?;

OR If Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit, Then What’s Aesthetic Flourishism In Text The Soul Of?;

OR Maybe I’m Just Bad At Writing Headlines;

OR The Guide to Ethically Using a Thesaurus To Convince People That You’ve Read Moby Dick Or Whatever;

OR Sometimes Its Hard To Concisely Convey Your Thoughts Because In Your Head They’re Not Words But Instead More Like A Feeling If You Get What I Mean;

OR Like, How Many Words Would You Say Is Alright For A Headline? Because My Headlines Are So Long That They Go Into The Body Of Their Text (Like Not In A Pissing Contest Braggy Way But More Of Like A C’est La Vie Kind of Way);

OR My Life Through The Eyes Of Richard Nixon But In The Shoes Of Pre-Accident Tracy Morgan: The Bildungsroman Of An Aspiring Journalist Who Wants To Write Articles But Instead Was Hired As Someone Who Writes Headlines (There’s No More Concise Way To Phrase That (Weird How Some Things That You Would Expect Would Have Words For Them Don’t Yet Have Words For Them, But Others Do)) And Isn’t Very Good At It But Is Trying His Best And Is Currently On The Brink Of Being Ungainfully Unemployed And Is Still Writing Long Ass Headlines Despite Advice From His Friends And Pressure From His Boss To Amend His Writing And But Can’t Even Change In Spite Of All Of These Pressures And Is Even Now Stressed About his Employability In Today’s Unstable Job Market;


Editorial note: We get it.

Oh… OK.