A Gratuitous, Unnecessary Goodbye


Whoa, where the hell am I?! What’s going on? Last thing I remember I was falling asleep in DEVS 100 to the sultry tones of socialism courtesy of Dr. Richard Day and now…hang on IT’S 2016?! Is Justin Bieber dead in his own piss bucket? How are President Romney’s re-election prospects looking? Are we all Gangnam-Styling on the moon?

Ok, let’s get a sense of my surroundings. I’m in a dusty office above…Clark Hall? Is this Golden Words? AM I A WRITER FOR GOLDEN WORDS?

YES YES FUCK YA YES FUCK YOU JESUS THANK YOU SATAN I DID IT! When I fell asleep, I was only just a mere reader, in awe of this work of insanity I picked up every Wednesday. And now I’m here. I finally swallowed my pride and finally showed up to become a writer. I wonder when? Anyway seems I’m in a pretty cushy position right now. Because I just jolted awake in the middle of the floor screaming “Viva Hugo Chavez!” (again, Richard Day’s class) and no one really batted an eye.

Just kidding, I made that all up. Because I’ve spent the last four years tied up to my mental radiator, hunched over many a sweat-clogged laptop writing for this quality newspaper. If this title didn’t give it all away, this is just gonna be a super drawn-out goodbye. I’ve “worked” here for the past three years and, out of that, consumed roughly 70,000 calories of pizza and spit out approximately three good articles. Maybe four. I honestly can’t tell at this point and they kind of give me carte blanche to write whatever I want. And, as my window of opportunity to do that is slowly closing, I just want to say: Alex and Leah, I’m sorry, but you’re taking this paper down the goddamn drain. This paper has been through many changes in my time here. Notably, the editors now are super fun and it’s annoying as fuck. They like sing and brush each other’s hair and other shit like that. Gross. Who has work friends? Not me, that’s for damn sure.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh God I’ve wasted the prime years of my life here.

Anyway goodbye.

PS let’s level here, fam. For one, when did we all start saying fam? 2015? Earlier? Is that a dank meme? Family certainly isn’t dank – believe me, mine isn’t. They’ve probably never gotten high. What a bunch of squares, amiright? Do kids still say square? What about L7? Do people still use 4 square? Or play 4 square? What about records, people are still into records, right? Or have they gotten around to tapes, or CDs, or compressed MP3s back in style? Goddammit, vinyl was so expensive guys – now it’s all gone to shit. I gotta face the truth – now that school is done, all that’s left to do is ride this mortal coil slowly into the grave. You know what sucks, is that humans are living longer and longer but we gotta spend like half of our lives being old. Like think about that, spending like fifty years as an old person.

So that’s what I have to look forward to. I guess what I’m trying to say is: make the most out of your goddamn time here, boys and girls. SORRY: MEN AND WOMEN. Actually, never mind, I take that back, you people are immature as fuck. But yeah, I can’t stress enough for you to DO THINGS! The educational quality at this school is questionable (kidding luv ya D.Woolf), but how your university experience turns out is Totally. On. You. I don’t give a damn what you do (seriously, try me), but just don’t sit around and do nothing or let school take over your life. Go find what gets you going and I GUARANTEE there will be some like-minded weirdos for you to slowly form a hive-mind with. Maybe even join Golden Words like me. It’s honestly not that bad.  They’re pretty nice people and, worse comes to worse, you can write from home and just come and eat food. Or just eat the food. Seriously, Alex and Leah are such pushovers, it’s disgusting.


Exit the Mole Rat