Movies are one of the few universal things that we all enjoy. And despite the rise of PirateBay and streaming sites like Netflix, nothing can take away from the thrill of seeing one on the big screen in a theatre. However, rather than being in charge of your seating position like at home – be it on a bed, couch, or at a desk – in a theatre you have to sit in the same chair for anywhere between 90 and 180 minutes. Regardless of your attention span for the film itself, it is nearly impossible to sit that long in a single position, unless you’re some kind of superhuman freak or that old lady sitting beside me during Gone Girl and taking up both of the arm-rests. Fuck you lady!
So here I now present a guide to all the possible seating positions to seeing a movie in theatres:
- Straight legged, flat back.
Otherwise known as the “white bread” this is the plain-Jane, ho-hum, the-only-excitement-in-my-life-is-the-anticipation-of-the-sweet-embrace-of-death position. This is the default setting in the program of “human sitting”. If you can actually sit like this for the entirety of Interstellar (out this Friday!) you should consult a doctor immediately.
1a. Straight legged slouch backwards
If you wanna rock out with your cock out, sit like this. This is the ultimate “yeah brah, I don’t give a shit about this film. I’m gonna eat some milk duds off my sweater, because this is the most useful function of this position”. This is also one of the best sleeping positions, in case you don’t appreciate the film form enough to pass the fuck out during it. Best utilized when both armrests are free.
1b. Straight legged slouch forwards
AKA “the critic”, this is the position of intense focus on the screen events or, at the very least, trying to make it seem like you’re interested. Maximum benefit is achieved when both fists are utilized as a resting mechanism for the chin.
- Cross legged, right leg
Good call, Dad! Just pop in a cigar and grab a neat glass of Scotch and you’re set. This says “you have my attention, Mr. Wes Anderson. Now amuse me with your moving pictures”. You might as well be giving a relaxed interview to David Letterman, with the cool confidence of a (wo)man with a platter of cocaine waiting for you in the green room.
2a. Cross legged, left leg
Wow, good call Daddddd! If you didn’t catch that, it was sarcasm. Nothing makes you look more like a goof than crossing the Devil’s Leg. If you sat like that in the theatre, I’d be embarrassed for you. Sure, you’d be having a good time, but you have no idea how many people will be glancing in your direction and snickering. You might think that they’re also enjoying the farting antics of Kevin James, but soon the whispered comments of “look at that dirty lefty” will get to you and you’ll have to leave the theatre with a popcorn bag over your head like a Leafs fan.
- Knees up
If you wanna feel like a 16 year old who doesn’t give a fuck again, get those knees up! Just toss your skateboard in one seat and proceed to either a) yell things at the screen whenever the opportunity presents itself; b) laugh at things that aren’t funny or any reference to the number 69 because you’re high as balls; or c) give your boyfriend/girlfriend sitting beside you a hickey. Either way, you’re gonna piss off everyone else.This position is only recommended if the seat in front of you (the one you’re putting your feet on) is vacant, but if you’re running with the teenage thing, it shouldn’t matter to you.
- “The chill”
Yeeeeeeee! This is it! You’ve reached the top and nothing can bring you down! There’s no one else in sight (except your friend(s) you came with, ‘cause what are you, some sort of loser?) and you can feel free to spread out. This is the closest to watching the movie at home you can get, except its got a screen the size of your house and sound that can blow the tits off an alligator! I don’t care that that analogy doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t need to make sense, because you’re chill as fuuuuuuck.
- Fetal position
Best used for those crying scenes and you don’t want your salty eye-leakage to destroy your public image of rugged masculinity. Though normally this would find its place sheltering one from an earthquake under your desk, or coming down off a killer bender under your desk, hiding from your boss; you’d be surprised how many “fetals” pop up in a theatre.
5a. Fetal position, in utero
You’re never too young to enjoy a movie, even if you can’t see it or most of your basic senses haven’t formed yet. You’re basically on the same level as all those geriatrics that were in Gone Girl. Plus you should take advantage of the free ride, before theatre chains start charging you from the moment of conception.
- “The world is your couch”
This is like “The Chill” if your back is made of Jello. Seriously, it looks like a (wo)man could lounge the fuck out, but in reality you’ll have to deal with an armrest jammed in your spine and another just rubbin up against the back of your knees, giving you a sensation you didn’t know existed. It is not a pleasant one. Avoid at all costs.