My older sister goes to Queens, and she’s making me write an article for this shit newspaper. So here’s a Grade 11’s guide on how to look cool.
1: Try brag about how much you can drink
No matter how many litres of hard liquor the host has drunk over the course of his or her university career, they don’t even come close to those 3 shots you did in Josh Goldensteinberg’s basement last week. So tell the host he’s a pussy and you can keg stand longer than him. Proceed to embarrass yourself and become teary eyed after lasting 6 seconds.
2: Be loud
Your crippling insecurities shine like a lighthouse in the dimly lit detached home, so the only way to assure the crowd that you are, in fact, cool is to scream and yell phrases like “YEAH LET’S PARTY” and “WHERE THE HOES AT”. Everyone will be so amazed at your social confidence and systemic sexism, so they’ll think you’re the coolest thing since sliced bread.
3: Pretend like you go here
Despite the fact that you don’t have facial hair, your voice hasn’t dropped, and you’re wearing enough axe body spray to kill a small poodle, you still need to take this opportunity to convince students that you’re not 16. Use phrases like Cogro, Commies, Underground, and other Queen’s specific lingo to give the illusion that you’re an insider even though you look like three toddlers standing on each others shoulders in a trench coat. You’re not really sure why this step is necessary, but whatever; just roll with it.
4: Tell people that you don’t go here
They’ve seen through your guise, you’ve been called out by the dude who graduated from your school last year, you better fess up and admit that you don’t even know how to calculate slope.
5: Pretend that you’re drunk
You’ve seen enough MuchMusic reruns to know that you look really cool at parties if you’re drunk. So disregard enunciation and balance, and begin to stumble and slur your words in an almost comically exaggerated fashion. It’s common knowledge that the belligerently drunk person is always the favourite.
6: Brag about your course load
I can’t emphasize this enough. University students are going to be in awe of your difficult semester. Economics, Physics, Biology AND Chemistry??? 2 Hours of work a night??? Talk about how you barely have any free time and how they probably have no idea what you’re going through. They’re going to think you’re so mature and responsible, trust me on this.
7: Try to pursue a romantic conquest
This is it. All other steps have failed and you only look like a tool. The ultimate standard for coolness in 16-year old guys is to hook-up with a university girl as a high schooler. Go up to the most desperate girl you see and butcher a pick up line you’ve been conceiving for the past 30 minutes. Stumble over your words and pull and eventually pull a Stan Marsh and vomit in her face. Run away and never show your face on campus again.
8: Start a new life
You’ve thoroughly embarrassed yourself and can never reappear in Kingston again. Scratch that, Canada. Hitchhike your way to Mexico and start your new life as a heroin dealer.
Anyways, follow these steps and I guarantee that you won’t be made fun of the moment you leave. Totally not based on my own personal experiences.