Unlike Catholicism, we Jews do not get freed from guilty in a confessional booth. In fact, the whole basis of our existence is that we are marinating with guilt until we die. And we don’t even get a heaven to go to upon said death. To relieve myself of 20 years of accumulating guilt, I issue the following apologies.
When I was 15 on a high school ski trip, I thought it would be funny to swing my ski poles like light sabres down the hill. I hit a snowboarder and I feel I owe her an apology for my literal hit-and-run. Almost 6 years later, I hope you can forgive me.
When I was 6, I used to eat gum under tables. To the person’s whose gum I ate, I’m sorry I ate your gum. You must have been saving it for later.
To my housemate, I’m sorry for yelling, “Well WHO THE FUCK DIED?” down the hallway when someone actually died. I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend’s stepfather. He was probably a chill dude.
I’m sorry for everyone who’s ever behind me in a lineup. I don’t even entertain the notion of deciding what I want before even getting to the counter. I live off the thrill of being unprepared and I am sorry that it comes at your expense. To repent, maybe I’ll do one of those “pay it forward” things in a drive thru. But I’ll need a car for that. I guess it’ll be awhile before I can do that.
Penny, I’m sorry for actually telling you what I thought about your haircut. When you said, “What do really you really think?”, I should have said it looked lovely, not that it made you look like a lesbian trucker. By now, it’s grown back so I hope there’s no hard feelings.
To the lady at the Croc store, I’m sorry for asking when the place was closing for good. I apologize for not initially believing in your business model and the “LAST CHANCE SALE” signs were misleading. I still wear my purple crocs to this day.
To Paresh, the McDonald’s employee who knows me by my name from how frequently I go to the drive thru, I’m sorry for pretending I didn’t know who you were in public. I was ashamed by how often I frequent McDonald’s and I apologize for my resentment manifesting in pretending I didn’t see you wave at me. Know that I waved in my heart.
To Louise, I’m sorry I looked at your wedding photo and said. “It’s amazing how people can let themselves go after marriage… No offence, Louise.” I have no excuse for my behaviour and pointing out that you had gained 60 lbs. Correlation does not equal causation and I should have known better.