A Modern Woman’s Guide to Brief Sexual Encounters

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Ladies, we can all agree we’ve had some cripplingly embarrassing sexual and/or romantic experiences. We’ve all had those moments where we’ve said to ourselves, “Ugh, I wish someone told me I could avoid UTIs by peeing after sex” or “What do you mean giving someone your phone number and giving someone your social insurance number aren’t the same thing?”
    For all of womankind everywhere, I have compiled some of wisdoms I had learned from my short experience as a single woman so you can avoid walking away from a situation dosed with the same shame I have felt. The nature of the game is changing and I promise to have the backs’ of women everywhere.
    Without further ado, I present to you A Modern Woman’s Guide to Brief Sexual Encounters.
If you’re making out at a club, and he tries to leave, LET HIM LEAVE.
    A nightclub can be a wonderful place to find budding love but it’s difficult to avoid the Quasimodo-types and the fatties in the strobe lightning. To deal with these biological hazards, it’s become a universal trick to say “I’m just going to the washroom” to get the fuck out of whatever situation you accidentally got yourself into. When the light flashes onto her face and you see that she has more facial hair than you do, the protocol is that you politely say “Excuse me for a moment, I need to go to the washroom”. And just like a father going get cigarettes, you never have to face responsibility again.
    However, when you’re on the receiving end of this trick: realize what is happening and let it happen. Let it go and don’t do what I did. When I was making out with this one guy and he laid the washroom line on me, I chased after him to the washroom and said “Oh god, me too”. I was naive and legitimately had a bowel movement.
    Another mistake I made was when I figured that out what going to the washroom meant. I thought I could bypass that whole rejection thing by calling to the next guy, “Are you actually going to the washroom or are you done making out with me?” Alas, calling him out just quickened the inevitable and I didn’t see him again.
Don’t make a comment about how this is the first circumcised/uncircumcised penis you’ve seen.
    Penises come in all shapes and sizes but it can really throw a girl off her game when she sees a foreskin (or lack of foreskin) for the first time. If and when you encounter an unexpected foreskin (or lack of foreskin), just play it cool. It maneuvers just how a regular dick does, just sit back and enjoy the ride (ha). 
    What you don’t do is say, “It DOES look like a person who tightened the hood of their hoodie!” You’ll watch that erection deflate before your eyes, which ironically allows you to better see the difference between penises with foreskin and those without. That’s totally besides the point. Also, don’t comment on how it feels like old person skin around the shaft with the foreskin. That is also a big no-no, no matter how overwhelmingly true it may be.
    I think commenting on the novelness of his penis is problematic for a number of reasons. Firstly, I don’t think guys want to hear about the penises you’ve seen in your travels. Secondly, I had gathered from said experience that no guy wants their junk examined like a cadaver. Admittedly, I rested my head on his thigh and just gazed at his blue balls. From what I could tell, it was not romantic nor comforting on his end.
Never say “Oh man, you really banged up my vagina.”
    In all honestly, accidentally saying “Oh man, you really banged up my vagina” probably won’t happen to anyone reading this article. However, IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM. I had said “Oh man, you really banged up my vagina” once and it was admittedly the unhottest thing I’ve ever said in my life. Only once it had left my mouth, I realized my mistake and desperately wished I could have control-Z’d that moment.
    But it was true, my vagina was indeed rough shape – there are guys who think it’s hot to shove their entire fist into your vagina first encounter. I am not a human puppet. If I could relive this moment, I would probably rephrase my wording. I would probably say something on the lines of “My vagina took a beating from your fist.” Ok, maybe that’s pretty much the exact same thing as saying “Oh man, you really banged up my vagina.” If that’s not good enough, just say nothing and suffer with your vaginal pain in silence. Do what you want, I’m not your mom.
If there’s even a slight chance you could be getting lucky, for the love of the baby Christ, have the appropriate hair removed.
    Whenever you go out, and I repeat, whenever you go out, have the big three shaved and be DTF. For those of you who don’t get laid often, it’s your legs, vagina and back. Even if you’re confident you’re not going to get an action, you can never be totally sure that there won’t be a belligerently drunk suitor ready to sweep you off your feet and crack your head on the pavement. I regret this one one night stand I had where my bush looked like the 70s crossed with Osama Bin Laden. It was embarrassing to be fingered. Arguably, the rule of thumb is if you can stroke your vagina hair like a beard, there is a problem.
You don’t need to get all his contact information after.
    No, you don’t need his email, phone number, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Myspace, MSN Messenger after the fact. In fact, the occasional awkward eye contact in public will be your entire relationship going forward. Forever and always will you feel unbelievably weird in your skin when you’re in the same Tim’s line as one another.
    This one poor guy didn’t want to ever see me again and I’m nagging him to give me his GPS coordinates. He caved and gave me his Facebook, poor soul. When I messaged him, he ended up saying something like “I’m content leaving it as it was” or something and tossed all his devices into a fireplace.
If you’re staying the night at his place, it’s not an invitation to stay the day
    Let’s not lie to ourselves, you’re there to fuck and that’s it. In and out, in and out, in and out and finally out for good. You’re suppose to slip out before the sunrise and do your walk of shame before the morning traffic hits to laugh at you. For those of you doing a walk of shame, I must attest that the name truly lives up to the phenomenon. You ooze both game and shame as you tug at your dress riding up when you waddle all the way home. Want to hear something stupid? This one time when I was headed with home with a guy, I made us stop at my house on the way to his place to drop off my heels and to get my boots. I DIDN’T GET ANYTHING ELSE. I HATE MY PAST SELF.
    Anyway, my sobering words to you is to remind you that he’s not going to spend the day building Lego with you or will he make you breakfast. Actually, the same night as the boots, when I had gone downstairs in the morning, I saw his housemate making his one night stand bacon and eggs while mine couldn’t even put on pants. Chivalry is not dead but it will go out of its way to ignore you.
Though it should be immediately obvious, do not fart in his bed.
    I think these words are pretty self-explanatory. I understand that most girls are already cautious enough to watch the gas they expel but hey, we’re not all magical non-farting-or-burping pixies. I can confidently say I do fart and when I do, it’s when I probably shouldn’t. For example, great times to fart aren’t during doggy style or when you’re the little spoon.
    GASES HAPPENS and I sympathize with those who fart. I get you. You’re comfortable, you feel safe, you’re in a mini nirvana where the last thing on your mind is to not fart. And then something slips and it’s game over. To the gentlemen reading, if you have a lady friend farting in front of you, that is the highest praise that she can bestow.
Don’t mention your past long term relationships.
    Pillow talk is not the time to casually mention that your one night stand looks uncannily like your ex-boyfriend of three years. It just isn’t, I don’t agree with these rules either. I am guilty of hooking up with guys that literally look like they can all be related but it freaks the guys out when I point out of the obvious. What can I say to them? “Sorry I said you look like someone who made me happy for a long time”? I find it’s just easier if you never say anything of the sort.
    I also find that raving about your closest family and showing your sexual encounter photos of your dad celebrating his birthday from a while ago just doesn’t break the ice the way you’d like. It also really upsets guys when you say you have the opposite of daddy issues. How do you come back from that? “Sorry I have an extremely positive relationship with my father and consequently a self-esteem that doesn’t seek your validation”? It doesn’t have a nice ring to it at all.
Do not vomit in his room
    Vomiting in your one night stands room is the biggest rookie move possible. I think right after “Oh man, you really banged up my vagina”, it’s the second unhottest thing you can do. In a matter of moments, you morph from “bangable and about to be banged” into an unfuckable liability. Your mouth is gross, you’re gross, you smell, and you have to re-evaluate your life decisions.
    Though, I really do think that vomiting in someone’s room is a sure-fire way to separate the men from the boys. Will he rise to the occasion and get you a garbage can to puke into, hold your hair and funnel the lost water into your system? Or will he kick you to the curb like the $2 hooker you’re self-consciously worried you are. But regardless, there are better tests to see who is willing to pick out the vomit from your hair without actually making them do it.
 

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