Look down. Are you holding a controller of any kind? What about a deck of cards (nerdy ones)? How about a 20-sided die? An instrument (yes those are nerdy)? At the very least a physically bound together localized collection of atoms and molecules? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, well I got a secret (of mana) for you – you’re a nerd. Me? I’m currently playing the entire Chrono Trigger soundtrack on piano while carefully grooming my Pokemons’ IV’s in ORAS to make sure they’re perfect, so I know what you’re going through. If you’re like me (and you are), you’re a tall skinny cisgendered male with a Hentai collection the size of Mount Everest and a father that, well, could never love you (one of those is a lie). So you start thinking to myself, I mean yourself, “If I get buff, my dad has to respect me! And maybe I can finally lift that metric tonne of Japanese porn and throw it out”. You’re right about one of those things. So here’s the definitive guide to how to get more jacked than Barrett from Final Fantasy 7 (gun-arm not included).
STEP UNO: Literally just go to the gym.
The best thing about going to a big-ass university like Queen’s is that there are people here from all walks of nature. If you’re worried about being the skinniest person at the gym, I can guarantee that you won’t be. Just don’t be that guy who wears a polo and track pants to the gym, that dude probably wears cargo shorts to a funeral. Also don’t bring your Nintendo 3DS handheld to the gym. No one there brought one and you’re not going to StreetPass with anyone. At the very least bring your Pokewalker from HGSS, so you can level up that Scizor on the treadmill. So I guess the first step is really to buy workout clothes.
STEP ZERO: Buy workout clothes.
I recommend Lululemon, cause their clothes are affordable, fashionable and comfortable. Lululemon: by skinny white people FOR skinny white people. Sorry, they sponsored this week’s issue. Wait they didn’t? Let me quickly amend that. Lululemon: by malnourished Chinese kids in a factory FOR malnourished Chinese kids in a factory. If you still don’t know what i’m talking about, just go to Under Armour and buy from there – that kind of armor will definitely give you a +5 defense boost against fire (they’re the real sponsors this week).
STEP DEUX: What to do in the gym.
Welcome to the gym! It’s a bizarro world where not being sweaty makes you a loser, and grunting as loud as possible at the squat rack isn’t only allowed, it’s encouraged. I.E: ‘YEAH BABY PUSH IT BABY YOU GOT THIS UUUHHH YEAHHH I’M AWESOME!! AHHHH’. Those were the noises I heard come from my dad’s private workout room when his trainer Mahogany would be over. I never actually got to see inside it, but outside it always smelled sweaty and I could always hear clanging. It’s weird that my dad would only work out with Mahogany when my aborted mother was out of town, forever. Mahogany was nice though. I would always get workout tips like, ’arch your back and you’ll be able to do more’ and ‘grunting, and when necessary screaming, makes it easier to be active for longer’. These are tips I will take to the grave. Mahogany certainly did. On the ides of March in 2015, Mahogany Woodcock Williams died from having too much fun at a Chuck E. Cheese and was tased to death for refusing to leave the ball pit. I will never forget those final words, ‘OW, THIS IS SUCH A CRUEL AND UNJUST WAY TO DIE!!!’.
STEP TRES: What to actually do in the gym.
Head straight for the treadmill, and run for how long you think is appropriate. Woah you’re out of breath after 2:00 minutes?? And the speed is only set to 2.5?? Ok get off. You have less stamina than Link in Skyward Sword. Since you technically ran, do some stretches to limber up (not like Ditto’s ability). You know, like the one where you grab your foot and bring it back to your butt and then try and touch your toes. If you’re like me (again, you are) then you’ll only be able to touch your knees. We suck. Now head to the weight rack and grab the 2nd heaviest thing you can lift it will probably be around 15 pounds if it’s you’re first ti- 5?? 5 pounds is all you can lift? That’s like less than the weight of a Tatsunoko vs Capcom custom arcade stick – and you lifted that for 3 hours at a competition last week (you came in dead last, like Mahogany [RIP]). Well I guess you have to start somewhere. Grab your own bench, if you have to ask someone if they’re done with one, it’s fine, they won’t bite you – holy shit that person just bit you?! That’s insane! Wow they were pretty hot, that’s more action than you’ve gotten all years! Definitely chalk that one up as a win. Once the blood coagulates and your erection has subsided, start the workout.
STEP QUADRO: The workout.
First thing’s first, I’m the realest. Second thing’s second, bench press. Grab two dumbbells, lay down on the bench and push the weight up in the air. Yeah that’s it. It’s easier than grinding for EXP in Earthbound. Just push the weight in the air like, maybe 20,000 times and you’ll be jacked and never have to work a day in your life. I mean, don’t do 20,000 at once, do like 10 and eventually your dad will be proud of you. Also now that I think about it, do bicep curls and tricep dips and abdominal stuff. As the saying goes, ‘if you have a six pack, well, chicks really dig that’. Maybe think about doing leg stuff? No one really does, but if you don’t want to look like a Chocobo from Final Fantasy, do some squats.
STEP CINCO DE MAYO: The post-workout.
Congratulations, you’re a gym now! It wasn’t that hard right? Oh, it was…? And you never want to do it again? Yeah, no I get it. You’d rather go ‘achievement hunting’ with your bros or hit up a local pawn shop looking for some old video games. Just know that you let me, your father, and most importantly, you let Mahogany down. Go get a protein filled Booster Juice and take a nice hot shower. You earned it. Enjoy the rest of your life.
This article is dedicated to Mahogany Woodcock Williams (1901 – 2016), whose lustrous personality and dedication to working out has turned me into the person I am today. Mahogany had the body of an Adonis, which was achieved through copulus amounts of working out.
Truly an inspiration to all of us and I’m thankful for all the memories I’ve been gifted.