A Personal Welcome From Principal Daniel Woolf

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Greetings and Salutations. As principal and vice-chancellor of Queen’s University, I would like to personally welcome you to Queen’s University. Queen’s has been a storied institution of higher learning since its founding in 1841 and you should be proud of yourself for be able to go to school here. Because, frankly kids, I’m going to level with you here a bit: things are not looking good.   
Sure, I’m drunk. But, honestly, aren’t you right now?  And if you’re not, its very likely you still have alcohol lingering in your system. Speaking of the system, it’s messed up. What’s worse is that I can’t even think of where it all began. I just know that we’ve been too complacent for too long. It’s like that analogy of “if you put a frog in boiling water, it will die; but if you put it in tepid water and slowly boil it, it will live”. But what if the temperature keeps rising? Like everything reaches a breaking point, right? At one point, that frog is going to explode. Like the sun, in a few billion years. Yup, that’s right kids, everything has an endpoint. “So what’s the fucking point of trying, then?” you might be saying. And if I’m gonna be totally honest, I don’t know either. But what I do know is how you can make the most out of your experience at Queen’s and party your fucking ass off.
Most first years choose to live in residence, which can be a very rewarding experience. It can also be awkward as shit. Like there’s always those first initial meetups with your floor where you just have to make small talk. The worst part is figuring out that you’ve suddenly entered the stage in your life where you greet people with a handshake instead of a fist pump or a ‘dick pic’, or whatever high schoolers do these days. Also, see how I used the term ‘dick pic’? By using up-to-date colloquialisms I can make a stronger connection with young people because they will begin to see me as one of their own. I realize that writing out my psychological strategy is probably a bad idea, and it will ultimately lead to my downfall, but I seriously don’t give one fuck. I mean, you aren’t ALL pysch majors, are you? Didn’t think so. Living in the University District (or, fuck it, we all know that it’s the Ghetto) is also a fantastic experience, especially as an upper year, because if the cops take you in for drinking in public, at least you can tell them that “hey man, at least I bought this legally!”. But this living situation also has its drawbacks, such as that you live in a legitimate ghetto. A ghetto is defined as “a part of a city in which members of a minority group live, especially because of social, legal, or economic pressure” (wikipedia.org). The Queen’s ghetto is all of these things. Seriously, I’m a history professor, I know my shit.
But regardless of where you live, you have to remember the importance of balancing your studies and your social life. This is best done by picturing your life as a scale with “work” and “play” on each end. And, to achieve a balance, the clear answer is obviously to party a lot more than study. This is because work weighs a lot more than play – this is a fact. The average textbook weighs 3.5 pounds, with a minimum of two for each class, times five classes, PLUS a 7 pound laptop, comes in around a whopping 42 pounds. Meanwhile, a 24 of beer is 22 pounds, 26 oz of vodka only 1.5 pounds. See kids, math can be fun, especially when vodka is involved.
Speaking of being involved with vodka, holy shit am I hammered. And hungry. So I’m gonna go grab some Pounair and I’ll return to finish this article.

It was kinda gross

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