A Review of the Statues in Breakwater

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Yesterday, I decided to get coffee and take a nice, leisurely stroll along the lake with a friend of mine. I realize that buying her Starbucks and walking along the lakeside for an hour aimlessly discussing our lives sounds exactly like a date, but apparently she didn’t pick up on that. Despite striking out incredibly hard, the afternoon was not a total loss, because I had the chance to closely examine some of the artwork that is scattered by the shore. (Again, we got coffee, walked along the shoreline and looked at art; Sara, how did you NOT KNOW THAT THIS WAS A DATE!?)
Now, I’m not normally one for sculpture. My favorite statue is probably the Venus de Milo, but that’s only because she has got it going on, and no, I don’t think that being sexually attracted to an armless granite corpse makes me weird – like your fetish is any better, you prude. But moving on, I looked at these statues. And I mean I really looked at them, because there were a few times when I needed to have something to talk about to break the awkward silence that accompanies one-sided dates. As I had ample time to study these pieces, I eventually formed an opinion on them. Through our extensive market research, we here at Golden Words know that our readers are sophisticated, cultured people (and also good-looking, damn right you are!) – the type of people who appreciate a good art critique, and so that’s what you’ll get.
The first statue I came across was the aptly-named Pollution, located across from KGH and Waldron Tower. I can’t imagine why they would put a sculpture like this across from a hospital, given how important it is for sick patients to maintain a positive outlook on life. If I were to look out of my hospital bed every day and see this monstrosity, I might as well conclude that there is no beauty left in the world and that hey, maybe I won’t be missing much after all.
The sculpture is formed of two large green sewage pipes with what is supposed to be a red, white, and yellow toxic sludge flowing out. Why anyone would ever, ever, possibly commission this piece of rubbish was beyond me. A fun piece of history about this steaming pile of postmodernist shit is that Queen’s students once secretively painted the pipes to look like pop cans. No one was charged, as it is apparently not a crime to improve public artwork.
The next piece of art is Time, better known as “those two weird rectangle things that people have sex by at the lake.” This statue was also commissioned for the tercentenary, because I suppose after 300 years you run out of gifts to give a city on its birthday and have to resort to shitty art. In a weird way, I really like this statue though. It’s simple, and it’s plain, and it looks like something the artist put off until the last minute and then threw together just before the due date for submissions. In other words, it’s the perfect piece of art to be located directly across from Queen’s main campus.
There are lots of other works of art to be seen on Queen’s Campus, for those of you who have been so inspired by this writing to pursue more. There are, in fact, multiple art galleries on campus, but only the most insufferably introspective students may enter these, or so I understand it. In total, I would rate my tour of the art along the shoreline 2 out of 5 stars. This may be a little harsh, but to the credit of the artists’, the majority of the point deductions are because the pieces were not moving enough to convince my would-be date to go home with me afterwards.  
 

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