A Tale of Two Presidents


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of Kanye, it was the age of the Kardashians, it was the epoch of environmentalism, it was the epoch of fundamentalism, it was the season of Five-Thirty-Eight, it was the season of Breitbart, it was the spring of exceptionalism, it was the winter of sensationalism, we had Bernie Sanders before us, we had Ted Cruz before us, we were all going directly to go, we were all going directly to jail – in short, the contest was so far unlike all the presidential elections before it, that some of our nosiest POLS students insisted on it being a big fucking deal.

There was a democrat with a large hairdo, and a FGOTUS with a vacuumed face; There was a republican with a large hairdo, and a FLOTUS with a plastic face. In both parties it was clearer than crystal to the lords of the establishment that it was a damn good thing Bernie wasn’t in the race.

It was the year of Our Lord two thousand and sixteen, and holy fuck I don’t think I can write any more of this. Seriously though, Charles Dickens wrote some dank shit. I mean, wow, what an opening for a book. I’m just going to leave a presidential mad libs below.

____________ is going to ___________ America ____________ again. If _________ wins, the ____________ is rigged, but if __________ wins then ___________ was going to _________ all along. This entire election has been __________ for me because I’m Canadian and therefore ___________. Honestly why should I even care about the __________ at this point what will _________ do for me? What is the meaning of this entire political ______storm? I can’t even vote, I have no ________ to the election at all. At this point I’m just ___________ in the fetal position crying into my ___________ while I ____________. Can you believe one of these ________ing candidates didn’t know where ______ing Aleppo was? And the Green Party is even less ________ in America than it is in __________. You realize that in _________ debates we never once even _______ about climate change? How is this even _________? I ________ up in the morning and ________ into the mirror and I don’t recognize ___________ looking back at _________ anymore. This election has ___________ into my soul and _________ it. The devil can _________ my soul now I ________ need it anymore. Thank ________ this election is over because __________ __________ _____________ _________ _____________ goddamned orange face!