A University Students Guide to Staying on 20 Pence


As we roll into Week 4, you’ve probably noticed that most students are coming down with a cough so hacking and sharp that it could cut a small infant clean in two. (Make a drinking game where you drink every time you hear someone cough, if you’re looking for a guaranteed way to get alcohol poisoning). If you’re walking around campus and you see someone hunched over in sweatpants and a hoodie, you can almost be certain that it’s because they’re sick. Or a zombie. Actually no, they’re probably just a zombie. So here are some handy tips from Golden Words on how to stay healthy for 20 pence.

First, go to the intensive care ward in KGH and touch every quarantined person’s face. Don’t just touch the face. Caress the face of the sickly, giving them a reminder that there is indeed someone who cares (Their family has long since abandoned them). The closer to death the better. If they have an oxygen mask, remove it and breathe your healthy youthful air into their old decrepit lungs in exchange for their dying breath. You can also play the camp favourite hug or high five with lepers.

Find as many used needles on the street as you can and stick that shit right under your skin. We’re only as clean as the environment around us. Bonus points if the tip is still wet 😉

Lick street poles. The higher you climb up, the older and rarer the diseases you’ll encounter (it takes a strong species to survive all the way up top). Once you’ve reached the tops of the pole, jumping down is a good way to build leg strength and prevent injury. The cracks you hear coming from your legs and you bones are not a bad thing! Bones function similarly to muscles in that they grow bigger and stronger as you crack them more and more. Keep up the good work!

In order to consume enough protein, make sure you eat lots of meat 😉 Dark meat is an especially good source of Vitamin D. If you’re a guy, make sure to spend time with nurses. Ask them to be put into “intensive care”, and they’ll clean up any boo-boo. If you’re into it, ask them about strapping you into their stretcher before “treatment”.

To save water, shower or bathe in sewer water. Find a way into the sewer and use the most stagnant water you can to make sure it hasn’t been tampered with by any new dirty water. Gargle that shit too, just to make sure your mouth is clean and fresh. If you find any floaties in the water while gargling, swallow it to test the strength of your stomach.

Exercise is very good way to keep healthy. Most professional fit-people regard cardiovascular exercise as a wonderful way to keep healthy and fight off disease. We at Golden Words recommend biking, swimming, or running (through the 6ix. The more woes the better).

Reliable sources say staying social helps your mental health. So tell people your deepest darkest secrets! Cafes are great for this. Approach people you don’t know and tell them the story of when you were uncomfortably hit on by your creepy uncle at last year’s family christmas party or that time where you hit someone on that road and weren’t sure if they were actually dead or if necks do actually bend like that. Sharing personal little anecdotes like this are sure to make you happier.

By now you should have 20 pence left. You must also be asking what the fuck is a “pence”. Open a fucking book you uncultured swine (it’s basically similar to a penny but more foreign). Shove the 20 pence piece up your ass so it spreads your sphincter as much as possible. After a day or two remove the 20 pence so your ass is now shaped like a heptagon. This will not only help with bowel movements, but all of your poops will now be heptagon-shaped and that’s like being a human Play-Doh machine (fun to play with not to eat).