Academic Dishonesty

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So you’ve had enough. You just aren’t smart enough, aren’t good enough at depriving yourself of sleep. The university life isn’t for you and you want out. But you’re scared. “What will my parents say?” you think to yourself. And more importantly, “What will my friends think?”
    “What a fuck up! He couldn’t even handle university? Not even an undergrad degree? No potential employer is going to hire him!” You can almost hear their words, and they haven’t even said them yet!
    Well, here’s what I say to you: What if there was a way where instead of saying, “I couldn’t handle university,” you can say, “University couldn’t handle ME!” Well, there is: Expulsion!
    That’s right: go be a champ and get yourself expelled. If the school doesn’t want you anymore, that’s their loss, right? You’ll go on to bigger and better things. Employers will hear that you outdid the University and they’ll just be dying to hire you!
    Well, how should you go about getting expelled? The answer is academic dishonesty! You probably have never seen it before, since you never do any work, but there’s this disclaimer that says, “I verify that this work is 100% my own and has not been copied from another source.”
    Read it again – your key to future success is right there: ‘copied from another source.’ All you need is a good source! Luckily for you Queen’s has a perfect source: their online library.
    Here is your step-by-step guide to getting expelled:

  1. Google “Queen’s Library.” Go to the first site.
  2. Search for the name of your course, your assignment, or what you want your title to be. If you don’t know any of these things, try searching the name of your faculty, your school, or, failing all else, bash the keyboard and hope for the best.
  3. Click on the first article. Print it off.
  4. Obtain a pen and white out.
  5. White-out the author’s name. Write your own. If you don’t know your own name – you probably can’t get expelled. Ask your roommate for their name, and they can get expelled!
  6. Hand in your ‘article.’

Within a few days, you’ll probably get a call or e-mail from your instructor with the next steps towards your expulsion! Maybe you’ll have to meet with someone. In the event that you’re unlucky and get a second chance at academic honesty, repeat steps 1-6. It could even be the same article! After a few tries, I’m sure you’ll get expelled!

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