Advice From a Broken Home

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The Parents – 
Peggy Sue: 
I’m Peggy Sue a proud mother from Texas. I’m a stay-at-home empty nester who loves hitting up the bar, having a good time, and blubbering into my drink about my wreck of a marriage. My piece of shit husband is always at work and has no way of being connecting with anyone emotionally. Ours was a proud shotgun wedding, the result of him drinking for the first time, meeting me, and knocking me up. I have not stopped drinking after the wedding toast.
Email me at myasianhusbandisaspinelesstool@gmail.com  Go Gaels!!

Lan-Ying Woo: I software engineer at Samsung. My wife weighs more than my 2001 Honda Civic.
email me at mywifeisafridge@gmail.com Cha Gheill!

Let’s see what you have to ask!

So I had a little too much to drink last night, and made the mistake of driving home. I ended up getting caught, and blew a 0.09 in the breathalyzer. Do I tell my parents?
-Mark
Lin-Yang Woo: 0.09? That’s quite disgraceful. Getting a 0.09 when I was a kid usually warrants a punishment. You would be locked in your room, have been forced to prove the Riemann Hypothesis, and not be allowed to play the Wii you built. If you did something really bad you wouldn’t be allowed to listen to your k-pop records (on vinyl, of course. I’m refined). But don’t worry, if you focus, and keep up the good work. You can get that 0.09 to a 4.3 in no time.
But hey, at least you don’t drive like my ‘refrigerator full of Coors Light’ of a wife. On the way to this one party, she was more aggressive than the time we went to that all you can eat shrimp buffet and got kicked out after she was stealing the food by hiding it in her fat rolls. That’s the last time I let her drive my 2001 Honda Civic.
Peggy Sue: The last time I blew under a 0.09, President Bush was still in power (God Bless America). Don’t worry, soon you’ll be driving drunk like a pro. Eventually you’ll even learn to read the blurriness, see through the row of empty bottles on your windshield and dodge incoming traffic. Whenever my coward of a husband and I are going to party that require the two of us to be together, he always makes noises that suggest that he doesn’t like how fast I’m going, or how people are giving me funny looks about the beer bottle I just chucked out the window. I always remind him that he’s never passed his G2.
In my defense about the shrimp under the fat rolls, they moisturise.

I am a third year engineering student who is having trouble meeting girls. How do I go about meeting people?
– Logan
Peggy Sue: Don’t be an engineer. Engineers are the worst kind of people. They’re shitty at socialising and can’t drink to save their lives and are liable to vomit on you mid-coitus and forget how to wear a condom. But if you’re anything but an engineer go to a bar, lose your self-respect and pick your best option.
Lan-Ying Woo: Girls? Oh, you mean sin inducing GPA killers. Let me tell you, girls are nothing but trouble. The first time I looked at a girl in my first year of engineering I popped a half chub so big I passed out on the floor of the circuit lab. My GPA went from a 4.3 to a 4.2; my dad got so mad that I wasn’t allowed to listen to my K-Pop vinyls for a week.
With regards to the condom, it’s not that I forgot how to put it on, as much as I’ve never put one on before.

I’m a frosh, and I’m don’t know how to break up with my girlfriend?
– Asad
Peggy Sue: You ought to be loving and expect it to take a long time. You ought to be there for her and be open and honest with her. But, you also ought not to be a frosh, so you can get away with anything. Start your break-up-by-text with a simple “we need to talk”, when she asks where you want to meet ignore her and then continue onwards text a series of meaningless and overused cliches that will let her know that she’s not good enough for an original breakup. I dreamt my husband did that last night and had my first wet dream.
Lan-Ying Woo: I don’t know how to break up with anyone. That’s the reason I’m still married my manatee of a ‘wife’. Can’t help you here, bud.

 
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