Hello my faithful readers! I hope you are all recovering nicely from HOCO weekend, which left the entire Golden Words writing staff in a coma-like hangover state. On Sunday, as I began to slowly regain consciousness, I checked my phone to see an inbox full of people writing me for advice on all of the dumb shit they’ve done. Apparently this past weekend, many of you made a series of questionable and undeniably regrettable decisions. As such, I’ve decided it would be beneficial to help all of you with the very awkward situations that you have all put yourselves in.
Dave in 2nd year Biology wrote: “Shiiiitt Mann, I am so hungover today. I don’t know what happened but I was looking at my phone and there is a picture of me riding the walrus skeleton in BioSci. That thing is literally encased in bulletproof glass?!!! How the fuck did I get in there?!”
Well Dave, that sounds like one heck of an exciting night! Having said that, that Walrus skeleton is private property so unless you want to be encased in a jail cell for trespassing, I suggest you burn all evidence of the event and change your name! Maybe even consider transferring to our sister school “Universidad de Queens” in beautiful Mexico! And try some Pepto Bismol® for that hangover nausea!
Jessica in 2nd year Sociology wrote: “God Damnit toNick! My fucking housemate brought some rando home and they had sex in OUR bathroom! That is COMMUNAL HOUSE PROPERTY! There was fucking pubic hair EVERYWHERE!! This is such bullshit, she crossed a boundary. They better clean it or so help me God I will bring a hose in and spray them the next time they try to FUCK in the HOUSE bathroom! That’s what beds are for! #FuckInBedsNotShowers”
Uh… wow… That’s quite a story… I don’t even really know to advise you on this one. I guess maybe try talking to your housemate and make an agreement that the bathroom is a no sex zone? You sound pretty stressed out about this and that’ll probably cause some indigestion so don’t forget to take some Pepto Bismol®!
Matt in 4th year Engineering wrote: “OMG toNICK! I met the most amazing person at the Arkells concert last night! She was so clearly into me, she was pressed up against me all night. She was playing hard to get saying things like “I’m sorry, I’m really not trying to touch you but there are ~2000 people pushing me and I can’t resist this 5000N force.” What a cutieee!!! We even held hands at one point! I mean I think it was her hand but like there’s no way of actually knowing as there were like 20 hands touching me at any given point in the night. Do you think I can find her on facebook?!”
Sounds like you made a wish at 11:11 and held everyone’s hips at 12:34! That’s quite a love story Matt and she sounds like a real catch! Having said that, the announced attendance last night was around 15,000 people so you might have a little trouble finding your mystery lady! I’d recommend on moving on, but at the very least, you can go home and sleep on your own and dream of a girl who’s name you don’t actually know! Don’t forget a little Pepto Bismol® to soothe that heartburn/ache!
Chelsea in 3rd year life sciences wrote: “WOOOW THANKS FOR ALL THE SNAPCHATS!!!! I’m so mad I went home for HOMECOMING, WHEN EVERYONE COMES TO QUEEN’S!! I literally missed out on what is easily in the top 3 events that occur at Queen’s. The other 2 of course being Frosh Week and St. Patty’s. Do you think there is anyway I won’t regret this decision?”
Well Chelsea, that is easily the most regrettable thing I’ve heard all day, you seriously fucked up! Like you literally chose the worst time aside from the day of an exam to drive 200 km from Kingston! Try some Pepto Bismol® to help suppress the upset stomach you must inevitably be feeling!
Be sure to come back next week for more Advice with Gin & Tonick where we’ll be sponsored by K-Y Lubricants! Not your average peanut butter and jelly!