Alarm Force to Offer Frosh Proofing Service


It is that time of year again. A new batch of insecure and frightened youths, commonly referred to as ‘frosh’, have decided to call Queen’s University home for the next four or five years. The first few weeks that a frosh spends on campus can be tumultuous and confusing. As a natural response to their insecurity, frosh tend to flock together at night time. Their natural friend making and mating process causes flocks of frosh to roam through the student ghetto in the evening searching for alcohol.
This large influx of frosh to the student ghetto can be a huge irritant to the upper year inhabitants.
Joey Bell (Nurse ‘16) said last year, “I was sitting in my kitchen with my five housemates playing a drinking game when out of nowhere like 30 frosh walked into my house trying to buy entrance to a kegger. I shit you not this must have been a whole floor from Vic. I guess they heard the music we were playing and thought we were having a party. When they realized their mistake they moved to my living room to have a floor meeting and then awkwardly left my house.”
Alarm Force’s system works by placing a shock collar on every first year queen’s student. The shock collar will be activated if a frosh comes within 15 feet of a service subscriber’s house. Upon activation, the device will subject the frosh to an uncomfortable jolt of electricity to deter them.
In order to convince frosh to wear a shock collar, the devices will be painted tri-color and new students will be informed that wearing a collar is a frosh week tradition. Alarm force expects a 98 percent success rate in persuading students to wear the shock device, and the remaining 2 percent are of no concern to the company because they are probably pussies who won’t even leave their rooms to try to go to a party anyways.
Alarm force is offering this service for $45.95 per house. They would like to add that they will not accept $20 now and the rest later when you get some money from your parents. They haven’t forgotten that one time they bought you Smokes Poutine, and you said you would pay them back later in beer, but you never did.