Aleppo? A defence of Gary Johnson


So recent presidential candidate Gary “What is Aleppo” Johnson was recently scorched in the media for not knowing what Aleppo is. While many may agree with them, I think that the media just have a big ol’ rage boner from the amount of unbelievable shenanigans that has been caused by the utter incompetence of the candidates this election. This provided an outlet for them to dump their rage-filled load. It’s not like he’s running for President of Aleppo, why should he know what it is? No one has risen to the defence of Gary “What is Aleppo” Johnson, and I, for one, am just about ready to take a stand. In order to understand this poor man, we must first ask:

What really IS Aleppo?

Do you actually know? Of course not! And odds are, you’re a Canadian who is relatively well-versed in international affairs because face it, the most exciting thing to happen in Canada is Drake releasing a new album.

But America knows just as much about Aleppo as they do healthy eating habits. *oh zing* Is Aleppo a myth? The name of an edgy indie movie? A new sexual identification? How can we criticize Gare Bear for not knowing something that literally no American citizen knows? After extensive research, we’ve discovered that Aleppo is in fact a city and that there is some bad news bears over there.

Given that most writers at Golden Words don’t even fully know what’s going on in Aleppo (as many are illiterate), we’re going to educate you on what Aleppo is.

Aleppo IS a city in the middle of the east. 190 square meters of historical wonder, Aleppo is the oldest inhabited city in the world. (If you remove the cities that have been inhabited for longer than it has.)

Aleppo ISN’T a genetic disorder common amongst Jewish people.

The average yearly temperature is 18-20°C with highs reaching the thirties in the summer and lows in the tens. With the average precipitation is 395 mm: 80% of which happens between October and March. The average humidity is 58%. (Holy shit I can’t believe you’re still reading this either you must be really bored, one of my friends who I guilted into reading this whole article or you’re interested in the annual weather patterns of Aleppo in which case good for you for expanding your knowledge.) But seriously, I started out with Gary “What is Aleppo” Johnson and I’ve kinda run out of ideas so now I’m just writing to fill a space quota a justify not wasting many hours on my Sunday with nothing to show for it. I’m hoping by putting it in this big ass paragraph I can dissuade you from reading it and you’ll skip to the end and ignore the fact that I didn’t have enough ideas to fill a quarter page. Oh but now I have to end with some writing about Aleppo so the people who skipped this don’t think they missed anything important. Umm, the majestic jewel that is Aleppo was finally occupied by the Ottomans until their defeat at the end of the First World War. It was their third largest city behind Constantinople and Cairo. (Most of this section was blatantly taken from Wikipedia btw.) Ya Aleppo, Aleppo, Aleppo, blah blah blah.