All 99 of Jay Z’s Problems


In 2003, rapper and father Jason Zed (commonly known as Jay Z) stated in that he has ‘99 problems and that a bitch was not involved in any of said problems’. This brash statement was shrugged off as mere speculation at the time, but a woman with an ‘Empire State of Mind’ recently broke into Jay Z’s Brooklyn mansion and made off with many of his classified documents. One such document details every single problem Jay Z was having. I was privileged enough to to take a gander at the list and thanks to my photographic phone’s memory, I can share them with you all! Let’s find out if ‘bitches’ were involved in any of them. He wrote a note to distinguish between certain problems: “if the problem is in parentheses then it’s like scene direction, if it is in quotation marks then it is a dialogue and if there are quotation marks then I am having a classic Jay Z inner monologue”.

The first 33 problems seem to detail a particularly bad day he had.

1. Out of cereal, guess I have to go buy some more.
2. (Ruffles hands through pockets)
3. I lost my keys!
4. (Remembers I left them at my friends house last night, who IS NOT A BITCH ).
5. Gonna have to cab to the supermarket.
6. Cab driver seems overly-nice, but in a fake kind of way.
7. Oh great, the Bodega is closed on Sundays, I should have known!
8. Now I have to walk to 7/11, ugh it’s fifteen blocks and they never have Lucky Charms.
9. It’s drizzling and I don’t have an umbrella.
10. (Walks up to umbrella salesmen).
11. “One umbrella please!”
12. “Ok, 5 bucks”.
13. “Can you break a 50?”
14. “No”.
15. “Uhhhh fine, i’ll take 10 umbrellas”.
16. “No way i’m selling you 10 umbrellas, that’s my whole stock!”
17. “But what difference does it make? You’re still getting 50 dollars.”
18. “Sorry brosef, no can do”.
19. (Rain starts getting heavier).
20. “Ok, have a good day (sighs)”.
21. Oh great, a car just drove through a puddle and soaked me!
22. (Gets to 7/11).
23. (Walks through cereal aisle).
24. (Sees Lucky Charms).
25. (Guy grabs the last box right as Jay Z approaches it).
26. “Alright, the last box!”
27. “Oh come on!”
28. “Wow, you’re Jason Zed. I’m a huge fan!”
29. “Hey thanks, man. You mind letting me have the last box of Lucky Charms? They’re my favourite. If you want I can pay you $50, l know how much they mean to you”.
30. “Wow Jay Z I thought you were cool, but using money as an incentive to do a good deed is not ok. I was actually gonna just give you the Lucky Charms, but you’ve shown me that you’re nothing but a sellout. Goodbye forever.”
31. “You’re right sir, I deserved that and I’m sorry.”
32. …
33. I guess I’ll have to settle for Honey Nut Cheerios, again (sighs).

This far into the document, the pages started looking significantly older. After reviewing the content, i’ve come to the conclusion that problems 34 – 40 were taken from Jay Z’s baby diary.

34. Goo goo gaga.
35. (Crying sound).
36. I’m cold.
37. I want a blanket.
38. This man in is putting a blanket on me, but it’s all wet!
39. He’s gonna hurt me!
40. Where did those scissors come from?

Now it seems problem 41 – 47 are from his boyhood journal entitled ‘The Hard Times of Jason Zalexander’. As an aside, many have speculated whether that is Jay Z’s real name, but seeing as it is not present in any other documents except for his Kenyan birth certificate, one cannot be certain.

41. Mom (who is very nice) will not let me get a dog!
42. I’ll just go to the pound myself.
43. (Goes to the pound).
44. “Hey kid what can I do for you?”
45. “One dog please!”
46. “Sorry kiddo, we only have male dogs in today and can’t give any away.”
47. “I understand!”

In classic Jason Zalexander fashion, the list doesn’t follow any strict format. The rest of the problems are just, well, a list of problems.

48. Need new shoes.
49. Gotta clean out the roof gutter.
50. Call dad.
51. Fix the cable so I can watch more Seinfeld, I love that show and feel a strange bond towards it.
52. Remember to eat.
53. Remember to breath.
54. Do taxes after work.
55. Call mom (who is NOT a bitch).
56. Make sure my car maintenance is up to date.
57. Call Vivian to make sure we’re still on for tonight.
58. Double check the reservations, i’m so neurotic hahah.
59. “Hi thanks for calling Dorsia this is Pat speaking.”
60. “Hi Pat, i’m just calling to double check my reservations for 2 at 9:00 pm under Jay.”
61. “Hmmm like the letter J or the name Jay?”
62. “The name Jay.”
63. “I’m sorry sir, the only reservation we have is for the letter J.”
64. “Is it for 2 at 9:00pm? There could have been a mix up.”
65. “I’m sorry, i’m not allowed to divulge that information.”
66. “But don’t you see, that’s probably me who made the reservation and the Maitre’D could have just confused my name.”
67. “Well sir I’ll have you know I am the one who takes the reservation and I have not made a mistake in 15 years!”
68. “But the letter J isn’t even a name, it’s a letter! My name is Jay.”
69. “Well sir there’s nothing I can do about it.”
70. “Are there any other reservations tonight?”
71. “Sir, this is Dorsia, the most exclusive restaurant in Soho. Unless you’re not insinuating that we do not have a full house every night, I have no reason to talk to you.”
72. “But I! – (click)”
73. Oh man Vivian is gonna be pissed!
74. “Hello?”
75. “Hey Viv it’s Jay, Jay Z!”
76. “Jay i’m so glad you called! I can’t wait for our anniversary dinner tonight at Dorsia!”
77. “Yeah right Viv, about the dinner at Dorsia…”
78. “We’re still having dinner there, right Jay?”
79. “Look, there was a mix-up with the reservation – it really wasn’t my fault I swear!”
80. “…”
81. “Viv?”
82. “You know Jason, I give you a simple task like getting a reservation and you can’t even do that!”
83. “Viv you don’t understand, it was out of my control!”
84. “Out of your control?? Are you a man or are you child who can’t even control what time he eats dinner?”
85. “Viv I can get us reservations somewhere else! What about Plate, that new restaurant that opened up near Battery Park?”
86. “Jason what don’t you get? How can I depend on someone who can’t even get a reservation?”
87. “Vivian come one, this was one time! I got us that spot last week at Callipers!”
88. “You know Jason, I used to think you were someone I could raise kids with”.
89. “Viv please don’t do this-”.
90. “Someone I could trust, someone I could come home to.”
91. “Come on Viv!”
92. “But now I know.”
93. “Now you know what Vivian?”
94. “Now I know you’re soft Jason. You’re a soft man with no plan”.
95. “No Vivian I’m not! This was one time, a freak of nature, it won’t happen again!”
96. “Won’t it though?”
97. “…”
98. “I’d appreciate it if you don’t call me at this number anymore.”
99. “Goodbye Vivian. Even though I found this breakup was cruel and unjust, you are still NOT a bitch.”

Well I’ll be! Not once did Jay Z mention a bitch! Even more, we’ve learned that he is an earnest, honest and modest individual with a plethora of problems. He’s a kind souls who looks out for others and treats people the way he wants to be treated. We can all learn from him.

I love you Jay Z.