Hey guys! It’s me, I’m back at Queen’s after my break. I uploaded new pics to my Facebook album, “Selfies in My Home and Also When I Travel”, and made sure to snap at least 75 seconds every day, and uploaded 15 times over the break. I did NOT tweet anything, because Twitter is for frickin’ lame-o’s and Donald Trump, but if you still feel like you missed out on what I’ve been up to and what I am thinking here’s a little summary of stuff I thought about and realized in 2016 and the first week of 2017 (shout out to my girl Kylie Jenner).
So the thesis of this lil article is “Am I the Rihanna of Our Generation?” and let me tell you – I am. Ok so I am the great grandchild of a Ukrainian immigrant that made it to Saskatchewan, which Rihanna isn’t, but we have our similarities. I once saw a picture of her wearing this great outfit and I was like, hey omg, I am wearing pretty much that outfit except my shirt is a different colour and we weren’t wearing any of the same brands but like hey, as they say in the Ukraine: same same, but different!! Anyways, because I am the RiRi of our generation, I will be holding this super cool party-thing called ”conscription” where you sign up to be in my navy. If anyone tries to beef me, you have the get all mad at their navy and say super shitty things about them on your twitter, @Stopes_And_Hoe_Lover_775. This is your personal Twitter handle because you are the 775th reader of this article. I am a proud mother, you are precious to me, number 775. I’m so glad we cleared this up, so next point –
People who read my texts and don’t reply deserve to have their phones suspended for a 1 week period of time to think about what they have done. People who see my Instagrams and don’t like them, even though they know me personally? Those mother fuckers deserve to be sentenced to death. Electric chair those fake friends- we don’t need them round here! It’s like they don’t realize my entirety of my self worth rides on these Insta likes. I have built and curated an empire of really, really good selfies, artistic shots of me in front of water, cute dogs pics, and ironic but still hot pictures of me being “real” and “fun”. Do people not realize I plan for weeks to get the perfect shot? That my family and friends in the pictures aren’t my real family or friends, but mere shadow puppets that make me look like I am cool and loved? Do these people not realize that by skipping over my picture, they gave @samgria420 the upperhand? And now when she sees me she says shit like, “U only have 302 likes @stopesandhoe? Do your parents not love you?” and I have to say yes???????????????? SELFISH.
Ok well those are the two main things I thought about in 2016 and the first week of 2017. I hope your breaks were cool, fun, and relaxing, and I will be seeing you in this fabulous winter term. Don’t forget to like my Instas! Haha! I meant it!