America More Concerned About Super Bowl LI Than Imminent Nuclear Attack


Last week a sleeper agent by the name of Donalt Anton Trumikov, code named Donald Trump, fulfilled the final mission of the KGB, which was to have a true native Russian elected in America.

Vladimir Putin was kind enough to give us a brief statement in the Kremlin this past Sunday. “Comrade Donalt has remained loyal to the cause and completed his mission. He is a national symbol of pride and victory to the Sovie… I mean Russian people. Finally, we can rule the capitalist dogs of America. After invading the independent nations of Georgia in 2008 and Ukraine in 2014 we have secured many of our native lands. Securing America is like a nice meal of pierogis and shashlik at Babushka’s house after long day. Comrade Donalt’s message of ‘Make America Great Again’ is, how you say it…, innuendo, for to make Mother Russia great again. We will restore communism as it rightfully should be, and we will rule again.”

We were then treated to a nice Sauna and some of Vladimir’s private vodka reserves. Before we left we asked Comrade Putin why he was willing to go so far in detail about the world changing event, He simply replied with “The capitalists are too worried about the big football game coming up.”

Back in the US, I talked with many people, pro and anti-Trump. Both sides had big opinions but as soon as I mentioned football they froze dead in their tracks. After that all they wanted to talk about was Super Bowl 51. When I tried to bring up that Donald Trump was a sleeper agent they all shushed me as they exclaimed how much 7-layer dip they were going to eat, the huge parties they were going to throw, and how important a game where men in tights run up and down a field with a ball is. I was baffled, everyone I talked to only seemed to care about the Super Bowl.

Vladimir was right, the American’s had no care for the secret plot and only cared about the game. However, the rest of the world doesn’t give a shit about football and have responded to Putin’s actions. France, China, The United Kingdom, Israel, Pakistan, India along with many other nations joined together on Monday to essentially tell Putin to fuck off; while Putin replied with “zatk`nis, cyka blyat” which was essentially shut the fuck up. Putin was pretty pissed by the nations confronting him and ordered Comrade Donalt late on Monday evening to aim all of America’s nuclear arsenal at each of those countries. While the nations responded by pointing theirs at America. The second Cold War has begun, and no one in America knows it because all they care about is football. So basically the moral of the story is like simmer down, sports are great and all but not dying from a nuclear war is a bit better.