AMS Creates Equal-Opportunity Scholarships

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After years of complaints towards the AMS at Queen’s, the university has decided to take a step forward in providing equitable and accessible free money to students of all walks of life. In response to bullshit awards that only Engineers from Edmonton who are also French-Canadian and minoring in gender studies and drama, they took suggestions from students, and along with sizeable donations from certain celebrities, they have given the list of awards to Golden Words to release to the public.

 

The Jonah Hill Award for People Who Became Hot After High School

$300 presented to the recipient who perfectly balances disarming physical attractiveness while still lacking self-confidence. Forgo being funny! It’ll get you nowhere!

 

The Smith School Award for the Schedule-ly Oppressed

$50 million awarded to a student in Commerce that manages to complain more about schoolwork than they actually have class.

*** Engineering students told to prison-yard fight over a free bagel breakfast ***

 

The StuCon Award in Crossed Arms

$1,000 annual given to a student who can best frisk other students and tell them they’re not allowed into events because they feel like it. An extra $200 annually can be awarded if they consistently refer to other people as ‘pal’ or ‘buddy’ condescendingly.

 

The Class of ‘05 Car Flip Award

$150 given to the student who displays the best form in car flipping, as well as speed in setting them on fire.

 

The PoliSci Award for Persistence

$800 granted to a Political Science student who manages to continue speaking despite having no audience and no real basis for their arguments. #elxn42

 

The Drama Award for Waiting

A 15% tip is given to a Drama student for excellence in waiting, as well as clearing tables and refilling water in a timely fashion. An increase to 17% tip will be given to students with dyed purple hair, nose rings, and tree tattoos symbolizing their internal struggles.

 

The Headphone Douche Award

One pair of overpriced Beats by Dre given to the student who tries the hardest to be seen walking on campus with headphones wrapped around his neck without music playing. Must go up to people and tell them “they haven’t really listened to the new Black Keys album unless it’s on Sennheiser’s”.

 

The Award in English Pretentiousness

Any student who talks about how much they love Kurt Vonnegut after only reading Slaughterhouse-Five is given a $50 gift certificate to their Amazon Fire tablet.

 

The Golden Words Staff Appreciation Award

A super generous and very much appropriate serving of pizza to compensate a belligerent staff for upwards of 5 hours of writing every Sunday. The math works out to around $0.67 an hour. How is that fair?! Honestly sometimes it feels like we’re just cattle for hir- [Editor’s note: Tread lightly, we can still fire you from this placeholder position]

 

The White Privilege Award

Born white? You’ve already won in society’s eyes, amiright?! But seriously here’s 10 thousand dollars. Do you not have to worry about being harassed by the police? Future financially secure due to a system that still carries centuries-old prejudices? Can’t dunk? Then this award is for you! We know you probably don’t need it, but equal opportunity is EQUAL OPPORTUNITY. Didn’t think that one through, did ya?

 

The Townie Award in Lacking Teeth

Did years of crack-cocaine abuse leave your high school dropout smile in shambles? Well congrats, this award gives you $10,000 in empties strewn across the ghetto for you to find and half a pack of cigarettes. Thank you for helping students know which corner of the bar to stay away from and when to cross the street.

 

The Bono Award for Pretending to Care About Africa

Given annually to 4 Devs students who went to Africa one summer to get a profile picture with a starving child and talk about their “life changing experience” forever. You get $1 a day, that’s just the price of a cup of coffee. If you weren’t there to remind us that we should feel bad for not being African, what would we do?

 

The Van City Award for Braving the Elements

An honorarium presented to a student from Vancouver that braces themselves for the unforgiving Kingston climate armed only with a pair of Hunters™ and a light wind-breaker. Additional compensation awarded for scoffing at rain and claiming to have met James Franco last summer when he was filming his new erotic thriller.

 

The I’m a Nice Guy Award for Please Take Me Back Sharon

Oh God Sharon, I miss you so much. Please take me back and I’ll let you put this on your resume. I’m a changed man. We all make mistakes, hell, that’s just part of life.

 

 

 

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