AMS Proposes Renaming “Ritual”, “Religious Ceremony”


The latest in a series of rulings in an attempt to desperately check all of campus’ privilege, the AMS has declared that it wishes to make steps to rename the ever popular excuse to skip class on Friday, “Ritual” as the more politically correct “Religious Ceremony”. AMS spokesperson Amanda Lootsma who asked not to be referred to as him or her saying it was gender-limiting, said today that “The chief ceremony of the most visible cult on campus, Applied Science, shouldn’t be demeaned with derogatory terminology. You wouldn’t call Rosh Hashanah Jewish Thanksgiving, would you? I mean unless you were an ignorant fool and further to the point thought it was spelt Ra Sha Shanah” [note from the editor, both Ra Sha Shanah & Jewish Thanksgiving appeared six separate times on Two and a Half Black Men’s search history].
The AMS is beginning their campaign to legitimize the university’s most animated faculty into a recognised religion with this motion with plans to continue it with a series of facebook posts, website announcements and twitter tweets that, according to science, no one will ever read. In a series of increasingly desperate leaflets that were distributed in the Ghetto [read: University District] the campus nightclub the Underground has proposed it’s newest theme event will take place on friday afternoons featuring a drink that combined beer and coolers and HOLY F-F-FACULTY OF ARTS & SCIENCE- my apologies for that unprofessional and coarse exclamation but it has just dawned on him that the Underground is totally trying to do it’s own Ritual.
This announcement was much to the general disgust of the campus at large. In a recent poll, a representative sample of students were asked what they thought about the decision. While, admittedly,  52% had no idea what the AMS was, 0.1% was a frosh and was confused and frightened by the thought of anything, 47.9% were so disgusted after hearing “AMS proposes renaming” that they immediately vomited on the spot. This reporter would like to sincerely impress upon you, valued Golden Words readers, that this is not hyperbole but admission of fact. The pollers were absolutely covered in human bile expelled at the thought of the AMS giving another thought to rebranding anything.
Unrelated, the poll was taken in front of an unmitigated fiscal disaster that recently rebranded itself the Underground.