AMS Report: Frosh Are Persons?

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They have done it again: this time our bumbling student government has decided to introduce a new bill to the table pushing for Frosh to be recognized as people. The idiocracy that takes obscene pleasure out of the letters A, M, and S has confounded itself into thinking  that everyone’s favourite goat-blowing demographic (in this context “everyone’s favourite” means “one and only”) should have the rights and social liberties befitting real people. Readers, ordinarily the AMS report is a strictly factual and unbiased account of the latest tomfoolery the AMS is insisting on sharing on your Facebook wall, but this latest asshattery has made me livid with self-righteous anger.
Please read the rest of this perfectly unbiased article in a snidely sarcastic tone of voice.
The esteemed member at large of the AMS assembly who shall be henceforth known as Dwayne Buttchugging has introduced a bill entitled “Frosh are Persons” which was announced with an uproar in the general meeting this week. The member, a probable goat-blower himself, placed himself at a distance from common decency with his proud exclamation that he just “thinks that frosh are people too.” Dwayne’s announcement was met with outraged chants of “Buttchugging is for Frosh” from the more respectable and decent members of the assembly. Mr. Buttchugging attempted empathy in order to support his sympathies saying that “I was a frosh once”, even going on to accuse the noble body of “all being a frosh once.” Meanwhile this obviously deluded individual went on to make noises with his mouth about things like “basic human rights” and “non-hazing practices” while everyone in the assembly booed and threw tomatoes.
People from all socioeconomic groups have chimed in their dissent against the frosh legislation. Principal Woolf said in a press conference yesterday that “While I support all students and hope they find success during their time at this institution, I know in my heart that for the first eight months of their tenure here, they are frosh and should be treated as such.Therefore I would like to formally state that the university does not condone the AMS in any effort to give the frosh any rights before the (academic) law.” The lowest rungs of society also hold this view, with idiots and deadbeats from the slum of despondency known as the Western School of Astrophysics being formally cited as saying “fuck frosh, man.” Even a staffer from the Office of the Dean of Engineering told us that Dr. Woodhouse had been heard to say that she expected frosh to have at least one bar that makes the faculty look unprofessional before they were granted any sort of respect.
Mr. Buttchugging, in response to the opposition, went on to half-heartedly suggest a sort of tiered system as an alternative that would reward frosh who had clearly demonstrated their ability to not be silly. Suggestions for such tiers were subsequently suggested by the AMS, ranging from the academic (passing APSC 112), the mundane (being able to cross the street without having someone hold their hand), to the frighteningly basic (not being in first year).
In response this writer would like to suggest that Mr. Buttchugging stop spilling poop out of his mouth with his face hole and go back to sticking his head up his ass.
Reader, I hope you enjoyed the neutrality and accuracy of this AMS report, and I hope that it has convinced you that whenever some misguided fool wants to give some form of dignity to our first years, please give that fool a forceful slap on the back of the head and remind them that frosh blow goats.

 
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