In a stunning reversal of years of progressive thinking, the AMS has decided it is now open season on next year’s incoming class of 2019. “Our nearly forgotten ArtSci Frosh Week events are being brought back before they fade from our traditions,” the SOARB chairman, Cher Woman, announced in a press conference on Monday. “Tradition is a critical part of culture and Queen’s culture is the best there is.” This was met by an uneasy murmur in the crowd, punctuated by one dude standing up and yelling, “That isn’t actually a reason!” Undeterred, the SOARB chairman continued, “The ArtSci events from frosh weeks past were characterized by being more than mildly degrading to frosh, but making up for that by being totally awesome for upper years.” Again this was met with murmuring, but this time Principal Woolf was reputedly seen conferring to his secretary: “Do I count as an upper year?”
Despite immediate claims of human rights abuses against the frosh (who were recently ratified as people in a shocking move that was court-ordered by the Human Rights Tribunal of Ontario), highlights of events to be reinstated included:
“Vigilantes” — Upper Year Students would just run down anyone who looks like a frosh with shavers and rope, tie them up and shave them then just leave them there.
“Hallway of Hell” — Frosh are forced to crawl through a corridor of food waste and (literal?) shit. The throwing of food scraps and animal heads has been reinstalled in the Grease Pole Engineering Week and, to take a chip off the old block, Commerce Bosses are now allowed to own frosh for the entirety of the week provided they pay SOARB the sum of $45 or a $25 Tim Horton’s Gift Card. Frosh-slaves will be expected to stand in line at Starbucks or any of the bars in the Hub at the behest of their Bosses, “in an attempt to prepare them for the realities of their first years of corporate work”. Sexual favours are to be heavily suggested but never explicitly mentioned, kind of like first years at corporate work.
While, initially, basic empathy pushed the crowd against these Frosh Week events, this was overcome by everyone simultaneously imagining the Dazed and Confused-like visions of power tripping. Then rational fears of public backlash were voiced, but then Mrs. Woman piped up that a “media and social media blackout would be enforced by an hourly regular electro magnetic pulse disabling all electronics”. The move comes as a direct result of the AMS’s ‘Fuck the Future’ campaign, which aims to promote a Carpe Diem-type lifestyle to students. Woman concluded, “if you can’t survive punitive torture before school even starts, then maybe you’re not really Queen’s material in the first place.”