AMS Report: Hetero- and Homosexuality Sexist


The AMS has made a bold offensive this week in its ongoing campaign against the forces of political incorrectness, declaring that any variety of sexuality that does not include attraction to both males and females to be inherently sexist.
The statement from the AMS reads “We, the Alma Mater Society of Queen’s University have decided that any sexuality that does not support both genders equally and without prejudice is sexist and therefore is condemned by this student body.” The Chair of the Review Board on Political Correctness, Steve Blujon, said at a press conference on Monday that the decision was spurred on by “an underrepresented minority faction within the university that felt that their rights as human beings were being infringed on by the percentage of the population that was not attracted to them, on account of their gender.” At this point Mr. Blujon there was a muffled gasp and shocked mutterings of “their gender” was heard from amongst those listening.
Mr. Blujon went on to say “It is the AMS’s policy that everyone ought to have equal opportunity in all regards, so how can you be equally opportune if there’s a whole percentage of the population who openly express that they’re not interested in eating muffins with their sausages, or the smell of a fish market without the smell of saltwater or plowing the field without watering the ground. I, Steve Blujon along with the rest of the AMS, am united in the stand against people who only want to ‘park the car’ but don’t want to ‘clean the garage’.” At this point one member of the audience stood up and said “Say his name slowly” at which point everyone simultaneously chuckled because of his silly double-entendre of a name.
This piece of academic legislation has faced stiff opposition from virtually everyone on campus. The Faculty of Polling reports that the most recent polls indicate that 99% of students were completely against the change, saying the decision was stupid. The report went on to indicate this type of excessive assurance of complete political correctness is considered stifling  and subverting to the importance of actual sexism by 95% of the population .
In an effort to get our finger on the pulse, Golden Words interviewed Curtis Fleet, local straight guy, “Look, I‘m a man who loves the muff, and I feel like this legislation infringes on my rights to freely take my skin boat to tuna town. It isn’t sexist for me to want to butter the muffin, it’s in my nature to be all about going high heels to Jesus, ‘cause straight up I’m a dog baby… I’m a sexual animal and I just want to bury the bone. This legislation is totally getting in the way of me batter dipping my corn dog and that ain’t gonna fly with this straight guy.”
By the end of the interview, Mr. Fleet admitted that he was gay.
At press time, everyone had realised that the AMS is not an actual government and had calmed down.