AMS Votes to Replace Gender-Binary Bathrooms with Computer Binary Bathrooms

0
13

In an unprecedented vote yesterday, the AMS voted to advance with a pilot project which would replace 12 gender separated bathrooms on campus with computer terminals with a peehole.

Local Canada Computers salesman, Keevin (pronounced ‘Kheviin’), came to the university with the proposal in late 2015, citing his lifetime reputation of championing equality and “lots of really good rights”. Keevin developed the computer terminals himself, after walking away from his prior commitments at Kingston Penitentiary with a renewed level of focus and determination.

The terminal is a large black box that will sit against walls in popular student buildings such as Stauffer Library, the ARC, and the JDUC. The machine is designed to be space efficient, appearing to be only large enough to conceal one grown man inside. On the front panel of the machine is a keyboard and small monitor.

Typing ‘1′ will prepare the machine to initiate the docking sequence. As this begins, the Hans Zimmer score from the docking sequence of Interstellar will begin playing, except this time it’s your organ! Typing ‘0′ will signal for the machine to present a funnel before you for some sweet digestive release.

Keevin, smiling slyly through his urea-stained lips, noted that the machine may make some strange noises, some of which resemble moaning or gulping, but assured us that it’s a consequence of the computer’s limited processing capability.

The bathrooms will be repurposed as much needed extra student study space, making this an easy earned win-win for the administration.“This new partnership with a former Canada Computers part-time salesperson represents a renewed commitment to our town-gown relations,” said a spokesperson for Daniel Woolf’s office.

Principal Woolf was the first to test drive the new service, and he couldn’t stop spouting out praise for the pilot project, “Overall, this was a very pleasurable experience and I would not hesitate to allocate more funding to this noble cause.”

Keevin expressed a desire to expand the pilot project, but noted some logistical issues. “I can only be in one place at one time, which could limit the level of service that I can provide to the faculty.”

“Of course, it’s a two-way street,” he added with a wink.

Comments