An Appeal to Engineers

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My dear friends, be not angry. Yes, the School of Business isn’t even a real faculty. Yes, they already have enough revenue from their Starbucks franchise to name themselves the Cappuccino-Machioko School of Business and yes, their professors are paid more than our dean in recompense of but a single lecture a week. These are all reasons that would lead lesser peoples to be angry, perhaps  even to throw bottles at our (estranged) brethren. But let me ask you this: would you throw bottles at a drowning kitten? Yes? Well you are a horrible sonofabitch and should be executed in the traditional Roman sense: tied in a bag with rabid dogs and thrown into the Tiber. No? Well of course not! But then why do you feel such resentment at the commies for receiving a (quite sizeable) donation? Sure, $50 Million is a lot of money if you’re anyone besides Donald Trump-
We interrupt this article to bring you a GoldenWords top five things to do, with $50M!
1. Build 3 hockey arenas and 4 field houses to finally finish the ARC project
2. Retrain all the commerce kids to be fry-cooks at MacDonalds
3. Cover the entire ILC in a new and improved BioWall
4. Save 250,000 drowning kittens
5. Unlimited turbo at Clark, for everyone, forever
Where was I? Oh yes. If you spent a ridiculous amount on your education AND THEN couldn’t find a job after, how would you feel? Stephen Smith did not give his name to Commerce to show allegiance; it was simply a mark of superiority – like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. All he is doing is showing them who is Boss, who makes them Run. Let’s face it, with engineering graduates taking all the management consulting jobs (thanks to the brilliant revelations brought to you by APSC-200), the bank jobs (stocks are the one thing where you can actually apply Apple Math), and the CEO jobs (because let’s face it, we’re better looking anyways), they have nowhere left to turn. So when you see a commerce friend smiling happily, refrain from kicking them in the shins. Remember that after four years, you are still employable. Remember that one day, you too can just give away $50 Million dollars to a friend in need. And remember that you can start that donation today: throw a penny on the ground in front of your friend, and watch the joy in their eyes as they scramble to the ground to pick it up. Let that joy fill you up, and leave knowing that, today at least, you did some good.

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