An Expert’s Guide to Sleeping Together During Frosh Week

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Orientation Week at Queen’s is the pinnacle of the university experience. Warm weather, cold drinks, and, most importantly, hot babes are all that’s on your mind, and you can’t wait until you hit up your first all ages event and bring the girl of your dreams back to your shitty dorm room. After your inevitable “Netflix and Chill” sesh, you’re going to want to invite your lady to spend the night at your place, because that’s what gentlemen do and there is absolutely zero chance you’re going to be able to walk her back to her place at this point. Sleepovers in a single bed can be tricky, but I have a step by step system that guarantees you’ll survive the night and wake up feeling rejuvenated and refreshed.

  1. Lie next to the lady in your life. Admire her beauty and charm, and remind yourself that you are #blessed to be in the presence of such elegance.
  2.  Wrap your arms around her, a tender embrace to let her know that you will protect her from any and all night intruders.
  3. Let the embrace last for 10 seconds, then realize that it is hotter than the depths of hell in your A/C free single room in Vic. Try to maneuver out of your embrace as gently as possible, as to not wake the sleeping beauty who has been sleeping for the past 20 minutes. 
  4. Your arm is stuck underneath your partner’s body. Panic begins to set in. For a girl who looks like she should be light as a floating feather, it seems as though this girl has suddenly accumulated the mass of a small elephant. How can she be sleeping at a time like this? Maybe she is dead? You should check her breathing. It seems like she is breathing, and that is enough confirmation for you. 
  5. Your arm is still stuck beneath her. You are so sweaty, and she is so sweaty, you can’t believe that two people could create this much moisture in such a small amount of time. You feel as though your arm should slide out from under her by using the sweat as a lubricating element. You tug on your arm- your sweat has become your own worst enemy, almost acting as a soldering agent rather, gluing your arm to her body. You wonder if you will ever be apart from this woman again, or if your bodies will forever be conjoined, melded together by the Kingston heat and your mingling sweat. You envision your new life together and begin preparing a speech to explain the situation to your new wife when she stirs and readjusts her body, freeing your arm and releasing you.
  6. Give your arm the time it needs to recover from its entrapment. Once you have recovered, close your eyes and place your palms up against her back, and slowly extend your arms towards the edge of the bed. You should eventually hear a thump. Don’t be alarmed, that noise is the perfectly natural sound of your partner’s body hitting the floor. Once you hear this noise, roll over and prepare yourself for an enjoyable night of sleeping alone in your bed.

 

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