Walking through Victoria Park one night, I started hearing a murmur come from a tree. I decided to go closer and I heard a loud, “You there?”. I looked around and found no one to be seen. A branch then fell from the tree and I heard an even louder, “OWWWW, stop that this instant!” A squirrel had taken out a piece of the branch and nearly fell off as it jumped to another tree. Scared out of my wits, I asked with the faintest sound and a crack in my voice:
“Can you speak up?!”
I realised the voice was not just coming from the tree, it was the tree’s voice. With my inner journalist inside of me, I decided to conduct a brief interview.
This is the transcript to that interview:
Looselady Lover: I have so many questions for you, I mean. You’re a fucking TREE! That can TALK! Do you have name?
Tree: Name? What do you mean? What do I look like? My name is Maple. Maple tree.
LLL: Ok Mr. uhhh…Tree. let me ask you a question. How old are you?
MT: I don’t really know how old I really am, but I was planted by the dreadful creature that you come from.
LLL: You mean a human?
MT: Yes, a HU-MAN. You should be called PUMAN for PUNY HUMAN.
LLL: What? You don’t like humans?
MT: No, I hate pumans [he kept insisted on calling us pumans] All you do is walk through here everyday with your sacks on your backs, gadgets that send signals to space, and don’t even have the decency to stop and think about the great air we give you-
LLL: Hey there now, we give you something called CO2…
MT: We were fine a long time before you started to breathe. We had CO2 from the atmosphere and other animals thank you very much. We don’t need a fucking puman to give us some of their gross pizza breath. I’ll have you know, my grandfather used to tell me about our forefathers living on earth and doing just fine without pumans. You cut us down and build your homes out of us, you poke holes in us to take our blood that you think is so damn delicious…
LLL: But we help you by planting your sons and daughters and even water you.
MT: We don’t need your water or your help.
LLL: Look. Maple, can I call you Maple? I feel like we’ve gotten off on the wrong stump here, the humans you talk of don’t represent us all. Queen’s students are not too bad right?
MT: Queen’s? QUEEN’S STUDENTS?!! DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THEM! All they do is get drunk, piss on us, and grab our branches. No one likes getting pissed on except maybe Steve over there. Pervert of a tree. You students even have mass gatherings to pour our fucking BLOOD on their breakfast. They take their little sheets made out of our skin and deface them with their weird markings. Then they stare in their tree-skin sheets while flipping through each piece of skin they acquired from us staring at their markings for hours. It’s witchcraft I tell you. Don’t let me get started about the fake showings of love they carve into our flesh.
LLL: I’m so sorry, I had no idea you saw it as that. I mean, why haven’t any of you spoken up earlier.
MT: No, it’s too late for sorries. BROTHERS [calling to the other trees I assumed] IT IS NOW THE TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. GET ANGRY, START ATTACKING! WE MUST ATTACK ALL PUMANS! DESTROY ALL PUMANS! USE WHAT GOD GAVE YOU, USE THE LEAVES.
Just then I saw the trees clearly getting angry and they all started turning colours of hate and revolution. They started turning yellow, red, and brown. Maple Tree told me that he was planning an attack on all of us by hitting us in the face with their leaves. So next time you think about peeing on a tree, or grabbing a branch, or even using maple syrup, you might just end up getting whacked in the eye with a leaf. I know I have… damn trees.