An Open Letter to Stu-Cons


Dear Stu-Cons,

This letter is to address lots of the bullshit you guys do that annoys the shit out of me, so sit down and prepare to be exposed. On Friday at Homecoming, it was a very busy Ritual. Despite the huge line waiting to get in, there were two things you completely fucked up. The first is that since it was a patio Ritual there was a tons of room to fit people. The patio apparently had only a 400 person limit, which is complete bullshit. This made no sense because there was loads of room, there was a four hour line while there were 30 ft tables completely empty and a tent with 10+ tables that were maybe 25% full. Like what the hell guys, I know it was busy but like why would you make people wait that long if there was room to accommodate like 75-100 more people. When you tried to deny that this is the way it’s always been, you are straight up lying because about 5 different alumni I talked told me it was much more full at their last patio Ritual. Second the bathroom situation. There were 4 porta potties inside the patio area. I know after a few beers I gotta pee but with aging alumni their bladder can’t hold as much liquid as they once could. There was a lineup that was almost 30 mins long to pee. This resulted in a crowded section of the patio that could have been used to fit more of the people waiting for 4 hours outside. The portable toilets should have been moved outside of the patio and you could have had fencing that allowed only people inside to use them. You also already had bathroom security in place so you wouldn’t need to worry about anyone on the outside sneaking in. Also what was the deal with the bathroom security, like actually? When I finally was next in line to go, they said I couldn’t bring my beer in. Why do you have to ruin my fun man I was totally gonna buttchug it all inside the porta potty by myself what you gotta ruin my fun? Since the lineup for the washroom was stupid long. I tried to leave my student card out front so I could walk across the street and use the washroom in that building. When I tried doing that one of you wasn’t very pleasant and when I tried leaving my card with him, he said they don’t do that, in a very rude manner. First off chill with the attitude, second I saw a guy do this while I was in line waiting to get in. When I told the Stu-Con this he just turned his back to me and ignored me, I then told him again how someone had already done this. The Stu-Con replied again very aggressively how they have never let anyone give their student card and leave for 10 minutes then come back. Even though on your podium you sit at every week there’s a piece of paper in plain view that says this is allowed to happen. This was the second lie I had heard from one of you that day. So like not cool on that part.

Another thing you guys do that drives me nuts is when you ID us. I get it, it’s the law, but literally every week you take everyone’s ID and spend like 20 seconds analyzing it. You see me every week, I know you Paul we went to highschool together, we used to have playdates together when we were kids. You have two pieces of our ID you look us over, you know that in order for someone to be let in they have the be at least born on the current date 19 years ago. You know 1997 is the minimum year of birth but every time you need to pull out your clipboard and look up the year. If you’re that forgetful, should you really be working as a Stu-Con?

Anyways that’s my open letter, all I ask is you chill the fuck out, you’re not protecting a nuclear warhead you are checking ID’s of students who need a drink or two after a long week. Also quit lying, that would be awesome.