Like many of you, I shower. During this time of quiet reflection, fresh beads of water will crash down upon my cranium, stimulating a period of advanced thought and humour generation. Although I do enjoy sharing these wonderful musings with the multiple people I shower with, I feel that they deserve to be spread among the masses so that when the day comes that someone asks you to tell a joke, or write a funny comment in your Tinder biography, you can refer back to this article and for a moment, sound mildly humorous.
Timbits are like Jell-o shots; you have one and it tastes really good so you end up eating 20 and then feel sick for the rest of the night
Murder is the worst thing a person can do. Stepping on a dog’s foot or tail is a close second.
Cementing friendships can be fun, but cementing your enemies is illegal… and effective.
Being a virgin is a lot cooler if you’re an olive.
In a garden, weeds are really annoying. In a student house, people on weed are really annoying. No, I don’t have any Doritos for you.
Counting is an important life skill. It helps with drinking tequila shots, and a few weeks later, it helps with figuring out how many days late you are on your period.
As a child in elementary school, doing lines was a detention time punishment. As a famous Golden Words writer, doing lines is what I call a fun Wednesday Afternoon.
I want to work for BlackBerry™ because I hear RIM jobs are pretty enjoyable. (If you didn’t understand this one, refer back to #4, then ask your grown up friends to explain it.)
People who study science are called “scientists”. People who study races are called “anthropologists”. People who jump to conclusions are called “you,” you racist.
A cheese tray immediately makes any party classier. It also makes the way I consume food much less classy.
When I’m lying in bed in the dark, I can’t fall asleep. When I’m sitting in a lecture, I can’t stay awake. To help combat this, I openly invite my profs and TA’s to come teach me a thing or two in the boudoir.
I always find it funny to attend a wake, because the whole point is to say goodbye to someone who will never be awake again.
I think most people are sexually excited by rain. It always seems to get them wet.
Ceiling fans are like my fans in that: they both blow me, and they both have multiple blades.
Every class you attend will have one person in it who says something so stupid that every other person in the room wants to collectively punch them in the face. If you can’t figure out who that is, It’s you.