Arby’s Employee Discovers That He’s Actually Trapped in Purgatory

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If you think you’re frustrated with your workplace, wait until you hear about the shocking revelations coming from behind the scenes at Arby’s.

Whistleblowers from inside the management of the restaurant chain have confirmed that all Arby’s locations are actually just Purgatory, testing the spiritual worth of the employees that work there.

We here at Golden Words understand that this may be difficult to believe, but when you take a moment to consider it, the reports explain a lot. Have you ever been to an Arby’s franchise? Have you ever seen somebody in an Arby’s, or heard somebody say they were going to Arby’s? Of course not, why would somebody do something like that? But a restaurant chain can’t operate across the globe without any customers, so in a way Arby’s being Purgatory is the only rational explanation. It’s not kept afloat by revenue, but by a cosmos that’s as mysterious as it is cruel.

There’s another mystery that these revelations clear up, one you may not have considered: why would somebody voluntarily work for Arby’s? Of course, many people find themselves doing jobs they hate, but even at the most desperate periods of your career, did you ever consider applying at Arby’s?

To get to the bottom of this, we contacted Thomas Sunderland, a cashier at Arby’s. He explained that he tried to find work elsewhere, but could not get into a single interview anywhere. He ignored the job offers written in the blood of orphans that Arby’s had been sending to his home for months, but eventually a man has to eat, and he relented.

For Thomas, the experience of working as a cashier at Arby’s was not what he was expecting. With no customers to service, Thomas could do nothing but reflect on his sins. It was a merely uncomfortable experience for the first couple days, but as time went on things got worse. “After a week, I made openly crying part of my work routine,” said Thomas, “just like all the other workers had.” Throughout the entire first month, he kept applying at other businesses, but his struggle to escape proved fruitless. “I was trapped in Arby’s, and Arby’s intended to break me.”

About two months in, Thomas got what he thought was his first customer. “He was tall, thin, dressed in a ragged brown suit, missing most of his teeth, reeked of liquor, carried around a heavy paper bag, and spoke with a thick Australian accent. I thought he was going to order something, but instead he just stared me in the eye for a solid five minutes. He wouldn’t make a sound, aside from his heavy breathing in and out of his nose, and he ignored everything I said to him.  When he finally did speak, he asked me ‘Would you kill a baby to cure cancer?’ I was so taken aback, I told him I didn’t know, to which he responded by saying ‘Yeah, that’s what I fuckin’ thought, mate.’ Then he just marched out.”

Our research shows that roughly 74,000 people are employed by Arby’s at present, all of whom are being put through trials like this on a daily basis. On behalf of Golden Words I’d like to state a sincere hope that they all atone for their sins soon so they can return to participating in society.

 

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