Hi readers and God fearing patriots,
You know me – I’m not one to deal with the political correcticality of ISILiberals in Kingston, but when the facts need to be said, I’m there to say them loud and confidently, regardless of the repercussions of them. If I cared about the ramifications of what I said, would I be loved by literally hundreds across the country? Would I have 18 YouTube subscribers (excluding my family)? Would I be selling literally tens, I repeat TENS, of units of male virility suppositories (including my family)? Since you might still be getting cell phone waves penetrating your brain’s natural testosterone supply, I’ll give you the answer to these questions. NO. My success is dependent on these actions. So it won’t surprise you to know after weeks of undercover investigative work, I’ve uncovered what I think is the biggest scandal in Queen’s history. Yes, larger than uncovering that West Campus doesn’t exist or that Smoke’s Poutine gives you autism.
I recently found out, after speaking to one of my history profs during her office hours, that it is likely that professors select which students do well and which do poorly based on one simple criteria – is the work good?
I know readers, I couldn’t believe it myself, so I decided to dig deeper. I looked at all of my essays and assignments from the last three years, and found that without fail, all of my good assignments were assigned high marks, and my bad ones were poorly graded. My jaw dropped when I discovered this. Could it be possible that all this time, students have been working hard to produce well-written assignments while professors were nefariously sliding them good marks on the side? This conspiracy could go right to the top of the ladder, with employers giving better opportunities and pay to harder working people?
I urge you all to help me deal with this horrible realization. Talk to your friends, family, and tinder matches. LET THEM KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING. Us, the mediocre and lazy of the world have a duty to ensure that this level of underground secrecy doesn’t continue.
Anyway, I’ll be going back to digging into why monkeys have lush genital hair but I don’t, and how Tesla is measuring our male breast sizes to put out a manssiere and corner the market.
Remember kids – don’t burn your American flags – burn your passports and social security cards.