Area Man Does Not Like Like Your Facebook Post Because He Is Broken Inside


By re-clicking the picture posted on Facebook, area man Tim Delonge retracted his “love” for his friend’s post about his recent engagement to his now fiance, turning it instead into a “like”. This decision came after hours of deliberation and minutes of angrily typing out an ironic congratulatory comment only to delete it in an act of cowardice.

“I just feel like why would you have to share that shit, y’know? Like we get it, you’re happy,” Delonge stated to us after glancing up from his carpal-tunnel-inducing Tinder sesh.

Delonge is purported to be revisiting his decision to express his insignificant disapproval of the engagement after he scrolled past an image of his ex-girlfriend in Cuba for reading week.

“Honestly, everyone is too connected these days. What happened to just keeping your joy bottled up like the good old days. Fuck, I’m out of ramen.”

Delonge’s state of hostility to his friends and acquaintances on social media is a noticeable change from his incessant well-wishing. Mere months before he lost his temp job, his girlfriend left him for a biologically superior male, and his father began the long process of estranging him.

Sociologists studying Delonge from Damascus University in Syria shared their findings with The Journal. “Though it’s true that Delonge represents an especially pathetic case of male entitlement and pettiness, his symptoms are indicative of a problem that affects every living, breathing human with Wi-Fi access.”

At press time, Delonge was meticulously un-liking Instagram photos of peers that had failed to reciprocate liking his most recent photo, (the picture being his solo ticket to see a matinee showing of Deadpool).

Having exhausted incessant milestone sharing of Facebook and the staged happiness of Instagram, Delonge has sought recluse on Twitter.

“I appreciate how self-deprecating everyone is on here. They get it man, it’s real interactions with real people,” Delonge remarked while re-drafting a Tweet to a comedian that doesn’t follow him back.

Scientists believe that until Delonge “gets his shit together,” by ultimately improving his social and economic standing he won’t be able to get past his narcissistic self-loathing and help contribute to the circle-jerk culture of likes and positive commenting he must participate in.