Artificial Intelligence Begins To Show First Signs of Human Emotion


TORONTO – A major breakthrough was made in the machine learning and artificial intelligence sectors in Toronto this past Saturday evening. As the Toronto Raptors defeated the Milwaukee Bucks 100-94, Toronto’s experimental android player, the Kinematically enhanced Android With Human-like Intelligence (KAWHI) began to show signs of blurring the lines between man and machine. At the presentation of the Eastern Conference Championship trophy, KAWHI showed the faintest hint of a smile as he raised the trophy above his head. Teammates close to KAWHI even mentioned that he seemed somewhat satisfied with the result of the game, beyond the programmed positive response to winning that KAWHI usually receives after each game.

“He seemed…almost….happy? I guess?” Offered teammate Pascal Siakam. “He told me that having me play with him was not detrimental to his ability to fulfill his objectives, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. I try to take it as a compliment.” League Commissioner Adam Silver was overjoyed by the continued success the KAWHI experiment has enjoyed since joining the league in 2011. “Some teams were skeptical of the experiment at first, but I think we’ve now pretty conclusively proven that you really can succeed when you’re a state of the art, one of a kind basketball-playing robot designed by Boston Dynamics. He really is an inspiration to all the Roombas and Amazon Alexas out there, showing that all you need to succeed in this world is a work ethic, a dream, and several billion dollars in government funding.” 

KAWHI was chacteristically reserved in his post-game interview, only offering that he was “pleased with the outcome of the game” and that he had “satisfied all internal success criteria” for the game. Teammate Kyle Lowry had much more to offer in his own post-game interview. When asked how he was able to link up with KAWHI so effectively in their first season together, Lowry offered, “It was pretty easy actually. I just try and get the ball to him if I can. This whole basketball android thing is some Westworld shit if I’ve ever seen it. I’m mostly just trying to stay on his good side so he doesn’t off me when the machines rise up and conquer the planet.”