After a lengthy battle in the Supreme Court of Canada, Queen’s ArtSci Orientation Week has finally received a tax exemption in recognition of its status as a religious organization.
The religious recognition of ArtSci Orientation Week, interchangeably known as The Church of the Pelvic Thrust, has been a greatly contested matter. Critics of The Church of the Pelvic Thrust say that Orientation is a sinister, fraudulent organization that relies on the recruitment of naive frosh to carry out its bidding. On the other hand, the organization’s supporters believe that Orientation is integral for new students transitioning to Queen’s University.
Recently, ArtSci as an organization has been the subject of public ridicule for their unorthodox practices that take place during their religious orientation week. ArtSci’s engage in reported traditions of ceremonial coke snorting, the branding of the incoming class with a “LIVE LAUGH LOVE” branding iron, and most controversially, the practice of inaugurating the new Head Gael with the flesh of the previous Head Gael.
One of the most notorious conspiracies ArtSci is attached to is the claim that they brutally murdered Principal Woolf three years ago for witnessing their secret practice of waterboarding frosh who do not want to participate in activities.
Experts believe ArtSci has replaced the original Woolf with an impersonator they found at a Principal Woolf impersonator competition. Internet rumours believe that the true identity of the man parading around as the deceased Principal Woolf is Toronto City Councillor, Norm Kelly.
Conspiracy also extends to the true nature of the year dance. Unnamed individuals have come forward claiming that frosh become conditioned sleeper agents to their year song and, when it’s played outside during orientation week, become wild cannibals.
One student, who has asked to remain nameless in this investigation, says he went on a murderous killing spree when his year song started playing off of the phone of an innocent bystander. The student told Golden Words that this episode happened while he was riding public transit.
“All I remember is hearing the Michael Franti song one moment, and then the next I was holding the semi-beating heart of a bus driver. No one was alive on the bus… oh god, no one was alive.”
Another organization that has received a tax exemption for religious status is the Bronies, a tribe of middle aged men who idolize the cartoon My Little Pony, in an erotic sense. The tax exemption granted to the Bronies was responsible for starting a domino effect in Canada recognizing almost any practice as religious.
Canada has even gone as far as giving Canadian Bernie Sanders supporters a religious tax exemption (because any politically savvy person will tell you that capturing the Canadian demographic in an American election really makes all the difference).
Taylor Blonsky, Head Gael for the 2016 ArtSci Orientation week, is delighted that the federal government has chosen to give ArtSci the tax exemption. “It’s really a step forward towards all of Canada recognizing ArtSci orientation as the one, true religion we should all be following,” she said, wiping the bits of flesh from the previous Head Gael off her face.
“I think one of the barriers to the acceptance of The Church of the Pelvic Thrust is communication. The public is so quick to dismiss us when our mission statement is to bring people together with manic, crushing peer pressure.”
When asked to comment on whether ArtSci orientation had any connections to the Illuminati, Blonsky quickly dismissed the topic.
“I think people read too much into my full-back tattoo of the Illuminati pyramid. I’m sure everyone has that friend who got a cute tattoo when they went on vacation. Mine just coincidentally takes up the majority of the surface area of my skin. What can I say? Cancun was wild.”
Our Golden Words reporter was unable to ask Blonsky any more questions, as halfway through the allotted interview time, Blonsky’s head started to turn 360 degrees, while chanting “Queen’s is your home” and projectile-vomiting acid.