This is a weekly column where readers can submit questions to John, our advice columnist. John tries to answer as many questions as possible, so if you don’t see your question answered this week please check next week’s issue. To get featured in an upcoming issue please submit your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
This issue is dedicated to questions regarding annoying roommate/housemates and how to deal with them.
One of my housemates won’t stop leaving their dishes in the sink. We are too poor to afford a dishwasher. I’ve told them many times to do them and they just shrug me off. What can I do? Please help me, John.
Unfortunately, this is a very common problem that plagues many houses throughout the ghetto. Thankfully I have a solution that is guaranteed to work every time. This will require a few days of your time. If you have housemates like mine, they leave dishes in the sink and claim they are someone else’s. This is a dick move in anyone’s book so to combat this, you only need to follow these two simple steps. Anytime your housemate leaves dishes in the sink simply remove them and put them in/on their bed or on their desk, this should give them the message that you ain’t gonna put up with their shit anymore. If they don’t get the message, the second step is guaranteed to work. Take every piece of their cutlery and dishware and break it on the floor. Additionally, you can take a hammer to them and go to town. Clean up the mess and place the debris in their room. If your housemate is lazy enough to not do their dishes, chances are they will starve before buying new dishes and cutlery to eat on. Problem solved.
Good luck, Sarah,
My housemate keeps eating all of my food, and when I confront them,, they just quote Shaggy and say “wasn’t me”.
Help me, John, I’m starving over here,
I’m sorry to hear that this is happening to you, but I have the perfect solution for you. The Pope just released orders to attack all heathens worldwide. It sounds like your housemate is definitely a heathen trying to reclaim our holy land. You know what that means it’s time for another crusade! Here’s what you do. First take any remaining food out of your house; this is best done under the cover of darkness. Gather your fellow brother Crusaders and mount your horses. Dig a moat around the property that is 15’ deep by 15’ wide. This will ensure the heathen within cannot escape. (Don’t worry about what your landlord will say, they will definitely understand.) After a security perimeter and moat have been established, send your strongest brothers to go level the nearest forest and order them to build Trebuchets and Ballistas. Surround the property with these great marvels of engineering and prepare to wait. Within a few days the heathen within the fortress (your house) will begin to perish away. Now the next part is up to you, you can leave them to waste away inside and reclaim your holy land or you can attack after a fortnight. Either way, you are guaranteed to never have a food shortage in your kingdom again.
My can-mate has really loud sex with her boyfriend at all hours of the day and I can’t take it any more. I haven’t slept in weeks, what do I do?
It sounds like this has been going on for a while, if you haven’t already asked them to quiet down, I have tactics that will put an end to your nightmare. There are two effective methods and I will share both of them with you. The first tactic is to get a boyfriend of your own and scream twice as loud as her when you’re doing the dirty deed. If you don’t have a significant other, there is this amazing thing called porn. Simply borrow the biggest pair of speakers on your floor and get ready to blast some moaning. Repeat this as necessary until she quiets down. Alternatively, you can just blast Jesus Take The Wheel, Dude Looks Like A Lady or Closing Time on repeat until the screams and moans subside. The other method is to sneak into her room at night and install a chastity belt on her, that will work for sure.
Make sure to get next week’s copy where John will answer questions about relationships.