So here I am on Facebook, when I get a message from a friend of mine letting me know that there’s a kegger going on tomorrow night. Sarah will be there and, apparently, since my friend was on the host’s floor in first year, we can get in for free. “Are you in??” my friend writes, awaiting my response. I have to reply quickly, even though I’m on my phone, since he saw the read receipt and GITNB ain’t no r-bomber. So I tell him, “Yasss!!!”. That’s not what comes out though. I send him, “Hamas!!!” And all of a sudden, I’m not invited to the kegger anymore, and my friend tells me I should really do my research on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict since there’s so much nuance to it. I understand how a person could not like Hamas, I mean hey whatever’s your preference it’s a free country man, but I think that’s a bit of a strong reaction. I spend that night watching episodes of The O.C. on Netflix and then masturbate and cry myself to sleep.
I’ll be honest, I think Hamas is really great. I love it when my mom makes me Hamas with pita, but whenever I tell my Jewish friends they get upset, asking me how I could possibly be a Hamas supporter. It doesn’t make sense, who could hate something so delicious yet nutritious. I get funny looks when I order it at restaurants. Worst of all, when I decided to throw my own “Make your own Hamas Party”, two awful things happened. Not only did no one ended up coming to but I got a call from the AMS Equity Office as a result and now have to engage in ‘sensitivity training’. What BS. Anyway, I don’t know how I’m supposed to get rid of autocorrect! My dad has the same issue, where instead of texting me “How are you doing?”, it autocorrects to, “I’m disappointed in you”. Without “Yasss”, I’ve lost my ability to affirm anything positively online while seeming fun and a little quirky. For those of you who don’t know, chickpeas (AKA garbanzo beans) are like the main ingredient in Hamas. I didn’t Google it because last time I tried, it just showed me all these nice looking gentlemen in the areas where I assume Hamas must be made. Also, the government gave me a call recently, making sure I’m not planning on buying any guns or going to the Middle East. Why would I go to the Middle East when I can buy my Hamas here, at the grocery store? Jesus Trudeau, get out of my shopping cart.
Anyway, someone offered to bring Baba Ghanouj to my Hamas party, which disgusted me. What kind of person has the gall to terrorize us with that travesty of a dip at Hamas party.